He jeopardised our relationship for a fling with a woman he doesn’t even fancy
DEAR DEIDRE: WHY do men have sex with women who they don’t even fancy?
My partner had a fling with a woman – who he “wasn’t even attracted to” – while we were on a break.
Now we are trying to get back together, but I can’t get past the thought of him kissing and touching another woman’s body. And for what? A woman he thought unattractive?
I’m 36 and he’s 37.
Things started to go wrong a couple of years ago during the lockdowns.
He was furloughed from work, while I continued nursing.
He seemed dissatisfied with life, and bored with our relationship.
Things got so bad that, towards the end of last year, we agreed to a trial separation.
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After a few months apart, he told me he had been an idiot and wanted to move back.
He even said he would like to get married and start a family — something I’ve wanted for ages. But then he said he needed to be honest with me.
While we were apart, he had a brief fling.
This woman stayed with him for a weekend. He says he realised it was a huge mistake the moment he set eyes on her.
She looked nothing like her pictures from the dating app and they had little in common. But he still slept with her.
Afterwards, he said he felt guilty and angry with himself.
Now I don’t feel ready for him to move back. I can’t get past knowing he has had sex with this woman.
I lie awake, imagining him touching her the way he does with me. Can we get past this or is our relationship now doomed?
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DEIDRE SAYS: “Men will sleep with anyone” is an unhelpful stereotype.
Your partner was lonely when he got together with this woman.
He was honest because he wanted to wipe the slate clean, so you could start again without any secrets.
Unfortunately, it’s had the opposite effect for you.
If you love him and want a future with him, you can get through this together, but it will take a lot of time and talking.
You need to rebuild your trust in him. Don’t rush into making any decisions.
Couple’s counselling is an excellent idea as you’ll be able to talk in a neutral, safe environment.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).
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