Miss Manners: My party guest criticized my hosting to my face

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently gave a jazz and dinner party in our NYC apartment. His five-piece band performed a concert, then we served a buffet dinner for people to serve themselves and then return to their chairs and tables.

After dinner, an older guest (a friend of 50 years) dressed me down in front of another guest (a younger friend of 25 years) about my working too hard when I had “all those women” there to help me.

I had two women whose main duty was to pick up dishes and glasses, wash them and put them away fast. Our apartment has a modern, open floor plan, which I dislike, as the kitchen is literally part of the living room.

Yes, I helped my paid help get food from the oven to the counter to speed the process for the 30 guests. I didn’t serve food or wash things. I did go around with two bottles of wine topping up people’s drinks, which I actually enjoy doing.

My older friend’s unwelcome comments irked me, but I handled it with humor — saying to my younger friend, who, like me, works in theater, “Well, the reviews are in.”

The following day, Older Friend wrote an effusive thank-you email praising the music, the company, the food and our apartment. And then repeated in writing her criticism of my “working too hard.”

I think she was out of bounds. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your friend is not helpful. You and Miss Manners both know that what she is really saying is that there is something declasse about being considerate of the help.

Should she repeat this unpleasant performance, you could thank her for her concern and say how kind of her it would be to lend you a hand next time. If you want to invite her next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to think that I am a kind person who tries to interact courteously with others. I am also, however, extremely introverted.

When I receive an invitation for an activity I would hate, or from a person with whom I do not want to cultivate a relationship, I am unsure of the best way to decline.

I hate to hurt someone’s feelings, but in trying to avoid doing so, I’m afraid the person is left without a clear “no” from me, and may try again. This makes me feel wishy-washy and insincere, and causes me even more stress.

Could you offer a few gracious — but fairly short — methods of declining that will get the message across?

GENTLE READER: Wishy-washiness is so much more harmful to would-be hosts than a polite rejection would be. All invitations require a definite commitment one way or the other.

The solution is to reject the invitation without seeming to reject the person — even when you are, Miss Manners hastens to add. So when it is a particular activity, you say, “I’m not one for large gatherings (or pickleball, or whatever), but I’d love to see you another time.”

If you wouldn’t, you can plead general busy-ness — “Thank you, but this is a busy time for me, and I’m not going out much.” This is effective because everybody is busy, even those who are busy thinking of what to do with themselves.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.