An Unrecognized Device Has Logged into Your Account

Alert: This is Verizon letting you know that an unrecognized device, the only device you’ve ever used to sign in to our website, has logged into your account. Was that you? Was it??

We are freaking out over here. We have no idea if this device—your only device—was you logging in. For all we know, it could be anyone. It could be an enemy that you have. Is there an enemy you have who might’ve used a device we don’t know to log into your account? Or was it you?

It was you, right???

It might not be. That’s why we asked, Is “AUDREY FARNSWORTH MACBOOK AIR” you, Audrey Farnsworth? We don’t recognize this device, even though you have literally never used any other device to log into our website.

But that doesn’t mean it’s NOT possible that it wasn’t you. There is actually no way of us knowing that. We weren’t there, physically, to see the logging in. That’s why we’re asking. So, was it?

We hope you can let us know soon because we’re really not doing well about this. When this mysterious device of the Literal Exact Same Laptop You’ve Used for Many Years logged into your account, an alarm went off at our headquarters, and every single employee stood up and screamed, “WHO IS THAT?” at the same time.

It WAS you, wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?

God, what if it wasn’t you? What will you do? Will you get mad at us? It’s not our fault that an unrecognized device has stormed into your account with the silent finesse of a Trojan horse, ready to view your personal information. In OUR opinion, YOU should be the only person to view your personal information. So, was it you? Are YOU viewing your personal information, or is it an enemy?

Is an enemy viewing your account right now???

PLEASE click “ALLOW” if this was you. If this wasn’t you, click DO NOT ALLOW. For the LOVE of CHRIST, do NOT click ALLOW if THIS WASN’T YOU, AND WE MUST MENTION AGAIN THAT WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IT WAS.

WAS IT YOU?

ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU DEFINITELY SURE? HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? WAS IT YOU? DID YOU DO IT WITH YOUR HANDS? AND IF YOU DID IT WITH YOUR HANDS (YOUR OWN HANDS?), DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE DOING IT WHEN YOU WERE DOING IT? DID YOU?

WAS

IT

YOU

????