Asking Eric: Should I warn her she’s at risk of being banned from the supermarket?
Dear Eric: My neighbors and clerks in our grocery store know I hang out with “Patty.” Sometimes she and I shop together.
She’s very friendly and gives each cashier and bagger a hug. As a former cashier myself, I’ve told her not to do that. Also, she’s worn the same outfit for more than a month and smells. I’ve never seen her do laundry in our building’s laundry room.
Two employees told me that the manager (who is very nice to me) is on the verge of kicking her out. She doesn’t have a car, so it’d be rough on her.
Should I tell her it’s serious that she may not be allowed in there if she doesn’t tone it down?
– Hugger’s Friend
Dear Friend: Yes. It’s the helpful thing to do and it might lead to a conversation about what else is going on with Patty.
The hugging may be a personality quirk, but not doing laundry for a month suggests that there is a problem in her life – economic, emotional, mental or logistical – that’s keeping her from maintaining healthy habits.
Talk to her about the store and then ask her, without judgment, if she needs help. Point out what you’ve noticed and, if need be, help her see how these things might be keeping her from the life she wants.
If you find yourself out of your depth, offer to go with her to her doctor to talk about what’s going on or bring a mutual friend. Your intervention could help Patty avoid something much worse.
Dear Eric: My now-retired parents are terrific people. They’re interesting, kind, hardworking and A++ grandparents. My wife and I marvel at how instinctive, capable and giving they are with our two young boys.
That said, every year that goes by, their anxiety reaches new heights.
It seems like a classic case of having very little to fill the void of what their careers once were. It makes it exhausting to spend more than a day or two at a time with them, as the ticks and ruminations start mounting and, eventually, corroding every interaction.
All the lights must be turned off in the house 24/7, unless there’s a very good reason to turn them on. Ordering dinner is anywhere between a one- and two-hour ordeal.
It’s stuff that’s not only decreasing their quality of life but in turn affecting my relationship with them. I’d sooner disengage than have another circular discussion about their HOA’s landscaping decisions.
I know the bunny slopes advice: Have an honest conversation. Express loving concern. Use “I feel” language. Blah, blah, blah. Do you have any black diamond takes on how to kindly broach the topic with them? Obviously, no one wants to be parented by their children.
– Grateful Son
Dear Son: Black diamond? Accept it. Their experience of the world is changing and while some of it may be cause for concern (more on that in a second), other aspects may simply be quirks in personality that come with age and stage.
They’re great parents and grandparents, so give them some grace. Turn off the lights if they don’t want them on. Listen to the HOA talk. We have such a finite amount of time with each other.
That said, if you’re concerned that their anxiety is indicative of some larger issue, tell them. “These are the things I’m seeing. Do you see this as an issue as well? Would you be open to talking to your doctor about it? Can I come along as your medical advocate?”
Anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways and it is treatable medically, holistically and spiritually. But you’ll have to let go of your judgment of it in order to have a conversation that feels safe for them.
Think of it less as parenting your parents, and more as making room for vulnerability on all sides. (Also, the bunny slopes will still get you to the bottom of the mountain safely, so don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.)
Dear Eric: I play cards weekly with a group. One of the women sometimes chews gum during our games, noisily and with her mouth open. This is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
Why do otherwise well-mannered people think open-mouth chewing is socially acceptable? What do you suggest, do I say something to her?
– Quiet Please
Dear Quiet Please: Absolutely. She may not realize she’s doing it. So, by telling her that the noisiness bothers you, you give her the opportunity to make a change.
Many people don’t like noisy chewing. Some people have misophonia, a disorder of decreased tolerance to specific sounds; others simply can’t stand the sound.
The card game is a weekly shared social space, so ask for what you need to continue to enjoy the time.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.