My husband claims he’s impotent but is sending sexual photos to other women
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband claims to be impotent but he’s been sending pictures of his erect penis to women on social media.
We haven’t had sex for 10 years, and I’m devastated.
I’m 57 and my husband is 60. We’ve been married for 23 years.
We both have health issues, which leave me in constant pain and mean he isn’t able to perform in bed – or so I believed.
When sex started becoming a problem, we talked about it and agreed we would both be happy to kiss and cuddle in bed instead.
Recently, I noticed that he has been going out for long walks, getting up early and spending too long in the toilet. He always has his phone with him.
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The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night and went into the bathroom. He was there, sitting on the closed toilet, messaging someone.
His trousers were undone.
I asked him to show me his phone and there was a picture on it of him, naked from the waist down.
He admitted he’d been sending pictures of his penis to a woman he met online. And she’d been returning the favour – for money.
I was horrified. He’s clearly been lying about being happy to be celibate and also about his impotence.
His excuse was he needed the attention and he feels more like my carer than my husband. It feels like my fault.
He says it wasn’t an affair and he’d never do that. But although he’s deleted this woman from his phone, I feel I can’t forgive him or trust him.
What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: When one partner assumes a caring responsibility for the other, it often has a detrimental impact on their intimate relationship.
But if your husband was unhappy or felt sexually frustrated, he should have spoken to you about it rather than turning to another woman and lying.
You can’t help being in pain and shouldn’t blame yourself.
Tell him how you feel and discuss if there may be other ways you can be intimate, which don’t cause you discomfort.
Talking to a sex and relationship therapist would help you both work through this and find practical solutions. Contact COSRT (COSRT.org) who can put you in contact with a reputable counsellor.