I’m Making a Few Changes to This Beloved Alt-Weekly

Dear Loyal Readers of the Greenwich Press,

I know that my purchase of this alt-weekly has caused a great deal of concern. Many of you have written in wondering: “What does the union-busting owner of a private prison empire want with an offbeat indie newspaper? And why did he fire everyone except his nephew?”

Today, I want to set the record straight. I want to push back on the false rumors, the malicious gossip, and the leaked emails in which I referred to maternity leave as “not a priority.”

But mostly, I’m here to assure everyone that I want for the Press what you want: to honor its legacy of fearless reporting and biting criticism while also allowing for cutting-edge innovations like not paying writers.

In the coming weeks, we’re going to start challenging many of the tired assumptions in publishing. For example: Who said that a film review can’t be ghostwritten by a member of that film’s publicity team?

Why are we running damning exposés of corporate malfeasance when we could be getting paid to run fluffy interviews with their Chief Marketing Officers?

Why is this alt-weekly called “The Greenwich Press” and not “Monsanto Presents the Greenwich Press Sponsored by Raytheon and Dow Chemical”?

Some of these changes are going to take some getting used to, which your feedback to our first issue made clear.

Many of you were upset, for example, that our Local Artisan of the Week section had been replaced by a new feature, Welfare Mooch of the Month. Even more of you were disappointed that our New Hotness Index included both “Jared Kushner’s smile” and “student loan providers.”

And boy, did we hear your displeasure over our editorial board’s first effort, “Affordable Housing: Not Swag.”

Look, I get it. I grew up in New York, on the streets of Darien, Connecticut. I understand the vital role that the Press plays in this city’s culture, having read a McKinsey report about its Brand Equity Among Affluent Millennials.

But hey: No one said that gutting a beloved cultural institution would be easy. That’s why we’re making major investments to ensure that the Press thrives as both a forward-looking newspaper and a lucrative tax write-off.

On the tech side, we’re pouring cash into underfunded areas like autoplay video, spyware, and pop-up ads that don’t disappear until you enter your social security number.

And in editorial, we’re thrilled that we were able to lure away our new editor-in-chief from the New York Review of Ayn Rand Books.

And while we were sorry to let go of several seasoned journalists — some of whom, it should be noted, were raking in an unconscionable $30,000 a year — we’re excited to see the great local work that will be produced by our unpaid interns and network of Latvian SEO content bloggers.

Otherwise, don’t expect too many big changes. We expect to stay true to this paper’s ethos of courageous journalism, and I will direct my reporters to pursue any story — whether it targets my political enemies, the political enemies of my allies, or just my plain-old, run-of-the-mill, everyday enemies.

I realize that the early days of my ownership haven’t gone smoothly. But I am committed to investing in this alt-weekly until it either wins you back or becomes attractive enough to offload to a Hong Kong-based financial services firm.

We’re still working out the kinks. But I’m confident that we can return this alt-weekly to its former greatness—with a little bit of hard work, a lot of financial support from the Koch Institute, and by changing everything that people liked about the publication in the first place.

Thanks, everyone! Until next week’s special double issue on the evils of private jet taxes, I remain:

— The New Owner of the Greenwich Press