The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women Last Week

No one:
Me alone in the kitchen: Okay guys so now I’m going to preheat my oven to 350

— Gabby ????????‍♀️ (@bria_simone21) August 1, 2020

normalize barking back at dogs when they bark at you

— ena ²⁸ (@RAINBERRYROGUE) August 2, 2020

I love masks. I can’t believe I let y’all just breathe on me before.

— cristina arreola (@C_Arreola) August 5, 2020

Say yes to masks
And no to bras.

Free the titi
But protect the city

— Lia_Lia???????? (@lord_lia) August 5, 2020

some girls belong to the streets but i belong to the ponds bc i’m a silly goose

— whit (@whitgailk) August 5, 2020

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

— shar (@sharloola) August 5, 2020

My ex keeps telling me I’m being “petty,” and it’s like, dude, spellcheck, it’s P-R-E-T-T-Y

— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) August 6, 2020

the dentist just asked me to open up and now I can’t stop crying

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 4, 2020

cant believe rihanna had 10 year old me singing about how chains and whips excite me

— em???? (@emxlyyyy_xo) August 5, 2020

you know, suddenly it makes a lot of sense now why so much YA dystopia only took place in America with no mention of what was happening with the rest of the world

they were all probably just chilling

— chloe gong ???? (@thechloegong) August 2, 2020

Every friend group has a weatherman. If yours doesn’t, well, buddy — you’re the weatherman

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 1, 2020

Charcuterie is just what happens when you have a Depressed Meal and eat assorted things straight out of the fridge, but you're Business Depressed so you put it on a bit of wood.

— Natalie'Zorah (@TerraSirena) August 4, 2020

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum pic.twitter.com/7ryJXhNjNv

— a lesbian’s lesbian (@mitraskoura) August 2, 2020

I miss crowded bars, big dinner parties and coughing directly into my friends' mouths

— Caroline Moss (@CarolineMoss) August 6, 2020

y’all keep drinking sparkling water, why don’t u just put ur tongue on a charger

— sarah lugor! (@sarahlugor) August 5, 2020

i kno you dont want kids to miss a year of school cause they’ll fall behind but we never missed a year and my classmates still grew up to fall for pyramid schemes

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 5, 2020

After 5 months of me bra-less-ly watching it, this TV has had enough. pic.twitter.com/sjoI1Mzq1x

— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) August 4, 2020

My family is gossipy but about nature. We’re like “OMG did u see those wind gusts during that storm?! I bet SOOOO many trees fell down. Let’s drive around the neighborhood and look ????????????”

— katie jo (@katiejoyofosho) August 5, 2020

walked by a lady in a mask and I was in my mask and we were obviously trying to smile at each other but it wasn’t working because mask and I was like what do I do shit shit and then she saluted me and i’ve been in shock for 5 hours she knocked that one the fuck out of the park

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 3, 2020

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

— waria ☭ (@EternalDago) August 4, 2020