I Definitely Have a Female Vice President… But She Lives In Canada

Today I’m proud to officially announce my very real female running mate. She’s everything you ever wanted in a VP: she’s a woman, she’s smart, she’s progressive, she’s diverse, and she’s gonna make you excited to vote for me.

The only problem is that she’s currently quarantining in Canada because of the pandemic. And, believe me, that’s the only reason you can’t meet her yet.

I’ll never forget the story of how we first met. It was summer. We were at camp — Camp David. It was diplomacy at first sight. The classic story, really: boy meets girl, girl brokers peace talks between Israel and Palestine that are later undermined by a new administration. Long story short: I asked for her Hotmail, she gave me her Gmail, and our interns have been emailing back and forth (on our behalf) ever since.

Who is she? Now look, here’s the deal: She’s not ready for me to share that information just yet. We haven’t made it “Facebook official.” But that’s just because there’s no relationship status for President/Vice President on Facebook.

This is my gal’s first time being someone’s VP. Labels can be scary, and she just wants the timing to feel right. As a gentleman, I totally respect that, and I hope you will too.

Now, I know you all have questions, like “Is she made up?”

Listen here, Jack. No, she is not an imaginary VP. I’m not some old, out-of-touch fogey who needs a VP to make the youths think I’m cool. That’s a bunch of horse-malarkey, phooey, and hogwash — rumors as empty as a game of hoop with no stick.

Another question I get: “Why can’t she just Zoom in right now so we can meet her?”

Now, look. Her internet’s spotty. Sometimes it’s in, sometimes it’s out. That’s a well-known fact about Canadian internet.

Alright, enough questions.

I know I’ve been talking about getting a VP all summer, and a lot of you thought I’d never get one. But now I really have one, and it’s wonderful! I feel like I’m seeing the world through rose-colored aviators. Every night, my VP and I talk on the phone for hours. We talk about everything: policy, immigration reform, and how much it sucks to be long distance.

So this November, vote for her — because a vote for her is technically a vote for me!

Look, I know I’m not the hippest cat or the bee’s ankles. But I’m also painfully aware that having a girl VP is my only hope of getting all the cool kids to like me. So please, please, just believe me when I say I have a VP, and that she meets the insanely high standards you’ve set for her.