Miss Manners: Should I give my wife feedback on her personality change?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In all ways and to all people, friends and blood relations alike, my lovely wife is loyal and helpful. But during the “shelter in place” situation, she has shown irritability toward me at various times. This is the first time this has happened in 52 years of marriage.
Should I let these odd moments pass or should I give her “feedback” on what I perceive as a change in personality?
GENTLE READER: It depends upon how that feedback is phrased. “Why have you become a raving lunatic?” is not recommended.
Miss Manners suggests that you focus instead on the solution, not on the behavior. “You seem annoyed with me, dear. Perhaps we should take some time apart and work in separate rooms.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m bothered by the fact that a family member likes to point out my flaws. He does this in person or on the phone, in private or in front of a group. Rare is the time that he doesn’t bring up what he thinks I need to work on.
Although I have asked him in the past not to do it, he hasn’t stopped. He is older than me and so I try to be respectful, but this constant harangue is damaging my mental health, and avoiding him isn’t feasible in the long run. I’m all out of options since he doesn’t think he needs to change.
GENTLE READER: “I respect your opinion, but I seem to be unable to please you, no matter how hard I try. If you could give me some time to reflect on your suggestions, rather than pepper me with new ones, I think your recommendations would be much more beneficial.”
If this is not effective in private, you have Miss Manners’ permission, during any subsequent public occurrences, to say: “Uncle Horace, we talked about this. You promised to give me a chance to work on your last critique before issuing a new one” — whether or not Uncle Horace actually promised. Because now you will have witnesses — and presumably allies — who will probably take your side.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a state that requires a face covering when in public during the pandemic.
Restaurants have now reopened, and masks can be removed while eating (obviously), but must be worn while entering and leaving the building and while visiting the restroom.
What should be done with a “soiled” mask while eating, when it will be needed later? Must I carry a supply of masks and use a new one each time? What is to be done with the used ones? I am sure the waitstaff does not want to collect them, yet I really don’t want them back in my purse, either.
Something new to worry about!
GENTLE READER: Someone should — or perhaps already has — invent a mask keeper. In the meantime, much as with a soiled handkerchief, the mask should be strategically gathered so as not to outwardly expose any fluids, then loosely placed on top of a purse or into a pocket. Much like handkerchiefs vs. tissue, there is something slightly more gross about keeping an item that should be disposed of, but isn’t.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.