12 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Whose Consciousness Was Accidentally Uploaded Into A Vending Machine

Don’t make things worse for someone whose consciousness got transplanted into a vending machine by mistake. Think before you speak!

1. “At least you have access to free snacks whenever you want. That must be nice.” You may think you’re pointing out a silver lining, but you aren’t. This type of comment can come off as passive aggressive at best, and ignorant at worst—after an event as life-changing as having their brain uploaded into a self-serve snack vendor, your friend has a lot more on their mind than free BBQ Fritos! We guarantee it!

2.“My other friend’s brain is trapped inside a Keurig. I actually think you two would make a cute couple!” It’s rude, and a bit ableist, to assume that your friend is only interested in dating other machines with human consciousnesses stuck inside them. They’re perfectly capable of having happy, fulfilling relationships with people whose minds inhabit the corporeal form they were originally born into, FYI.

3. “So…is the slot where I reach in to grab the snacks your anus or your mouth?” Okay, first off, it’s neither. And second? That’s none of your business.

4. “Why didn’t you try harder to avoid getting your consciousness stuck in a vending machine?” Stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is productive to say. (Hint: it’s not!)

5. “If your clothes don’t fit your new vending machine body, I’d love to take them off your hands.” C’mon. Don’t make the situation about you. Instead, if you want to be helpful, politely offer to have your friend’s old clothes tailored to their new 72” x 39” x 33” measurements. 

6. “You’re so brave to go on like this. If my brain got uploaded into a vending machine, I’d beg for someone to kill me.” Believe it or not, getting your consciousness trapped inside a vending machine isn’t a death sentence. Your friend might be totally adjusted and content with living life as an immobile food dispenser. Save your pity for someone who needs it.

7. “You ate my money, but it’s okay, don’t worry, I’ve called a technician to come fix you.” Um, your friend doesn’t need to be “fixed.” Have some patience and check the coin return slot in a few minutes. They’re working on it, we promise. 

8. “I heard that it feels like you’re giving birth whenever you dispense a soda can.” Unless your friend specifically asks to talk to you about this, leave it alone. Be sensitive to the fact that every time a vending machine dispenses a product, it is not only as painful as childbirth, but they also experience all the symptoms of postpartum depression. 

9. “Do you know when you’ll have Sun Chips back in stock?” No, they don’t—and in fact, they might never have them back in stock, because that decision is not up to them. Simply look inside your friend next time you come visit them and see for yourself if there are any Sun Chips in there. Don’t treat them like they exist to serve you.

10. “No offense, but the vending machine down the hall has a better selection.” Newsflash: your friend probably doesn’t care if you use other vending machines, as long as you treat them with the same kindness and respect you’d offer anyone else. If they’re self-conscious about their inventory, it’s only because you’re making a big deal about it.

11. “Mind if I unplug you for a little while? I need to charge my phone.” Yeah, so that wall outlet your friend’s plugged into? They need that to live, m’kay? They’re not plugged into it because it’s fun. Charge your phone when you get back home. You can wait.

12. “I made love with a vending machine last night. It was a much, much better experience than I expected it to be. Literally, my whole body was sore this morning. I’ve never felt so alive.” Okay?! Good for you. Keep that information to yourself next time!