Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Two Pronged: 

My parents separated when I was still in the womb because my father was unfaithful. I grew up with my grandparents who loved me but were very strict and conservative like in the olden days: no answering back, no looking directly into their eyes, no questions asked when following their commands. I was beaten physically and shouted at every time I made mistakes. 

Often, I just cried in my pillow so no one could see me. I don’t blame my grandparents; I love them with all my heart; to them, this was the best way to bring up a child.

But I wished my mom could just take me away. She was virtually absent during those times because she had to work abroad to support me. This was the early ’90s so the only way was through letters, which obviously took a lot of time. My mother sent letters frequently; I admired that about her. My mother came back every two years but family matters and hosting relatives took a lot of her time away from me. I felt neglected, getting only three days of her complete attention during the end of her vacations.

I would not have treated my kids the way my mother treated me if I was in her situation. She spent too little time for me when she was around and even occasionally spanked me! Maybe she hated me because I reminded her of my father. I felt unwanted.

Being an OFW, I now support my mother financially, including her hospitalization, etc. My mother messages me every day, wanting a lot of my attention. I am cordial, never showing the anger I feel. She neglected me when I was a child and needed attention, and now that she is old, she wants my attention regularly?

I am a man. It is difficult to have a touchy conversation with my mother. She wants me to comfort her psychologically regularly because she feels alone at home. I am okay conversing occasionally but I am also married. My wife takes priority. I have a lot of grievances when I was a kid, mostly psychological. She was never there, like in my darkest times. I went through a lot in my teens.

Why does my mother expect psychological support now when she never gave me any when I was a child? I grew up manhid (numb) as a result of my mother’s absence so I can’t give what I don’t have, though I try my best to do so. But trying to do so opens up a lot of unhealed wounds. How can I get through this?

Dan

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Dear Dan,

Most OFW mothers are faced with the same problem: they have to choose between being a parent and supporting the family. They often sacrifice their entire working lives eking out a lonely and unfulfilling existence abroad solely to provide for the education and general well-being of their children and other relatives. It can be a solitary life and the work is not necessarily congenial, but they are driven by the knowledge that the benefits are being enjoyed by their families. Then, when it comes to vacations at home, there are multiple demands on their time which necessarily has to be divided between spouses, children, friends, etc.

It is perfectly understandable that as a child, not understanding the dynamics of the situation, you felt resentful of her absence and her lack of affection/attention for you.

OFWs are labeled heroes and rightly so, but the human cost can be considerable, both for the OFW and the family. There are many relevant studies, of which this link is one example.

However, you are no longer a child and perhaps it’s time to take an adult view not only of the sacrifices your mother made but the benefits that accrued to you. The money your mother earned abroad secured the future that you are now enjoying and it is time to be generous and acknowledge this. If you cannot put your grievances behind you, get some therapy so that you can achieve a more balanced perspective.

As for emotional support, be thankful modern communications don’t reduce your contact with your mother to weekly or monthly letters; your calls can be meaningful to her even if they are brief. Finally, remember that your mother will not be around forever and this is probably your last chance to put your relationship on a mature and positive footing. Carpe diem!

All the best,
JAF Baer

Dear Dan —

Thank you very much for your letter, which is incredibly hard to answer! I I am torn between, first, commiserating with you for the sense of abandonment you felt up until your adolescence, and/or second, encouraging you to try to understand all your mother had to go through just to make sure you (and possibly also your grandparents) had enough to have food on the table and clothes on their back.

SO…in my typical hubris-tic fashion, I have decided to do both.

Doing both commiserating with and encouraging you means I cannot explain either goal/issue completely, but a thousand-word column never can. That is why we invite you to please, pleeeease write us again if you want further explanation or, even better yet, tell us more about your situation.

Because you were still a child and still did not know how to self soothe or regulate your emotions, all this hurt turned into a big ball of hurt that devolved into anger. 

I am so, so sorry for all the pain you experienced and all the pain you are still experiencing now.

How it must hurt you when you remember the (to your mind) callous way she abandoned you.

How it also must have hurt your mother to be an OFW when what she probably wanted most was to raise you herself, without having to rely on other people, including your grandparents. It must have hurt her even more when, instead of spending all her time with you, sometimes she needed to be out with other people, either to “pay in kind” all they did for her and for you while she was away, or for her own mental health.

Dr. Winnicot came up with the phrase the “good enough mother.” Not perfect, which your mother definitely was not – (but then again, who can ever be?) – but a “good enough” one, trying her best to do everything she could for her child.

Do you think your mom would be open to having real conversations with you? Conversations that allow you to be intimate with each other, sharing feelings – including pain, regret, and anger – instead of mere pleasantries? 

True, I have never met your mom, but my clinical experience, having counseled so many children of OFWs, and OFW parents themselves, makes me feel that she would welcome no-holds-barred conversations with you. I have a feeling you would too.  

Please, will you think about responding to her overtures? I feel her constantly texting you is her way of trying to be close to you. While there is no making up for lost time, you still have the present to enjoy, and the future to look forward to! Please give both you and her a chance to finally get to know each other as the son and mother you never got a chance of being with each other before.

All the best, and please write us again and tell us how it’s going.
MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.