How I Got the Commission to Design Saul Goodman’s House
Dear Mr. Goodman,
It was a genuine honor to meet with you last night to discuss your ideas for re-designing your home’s interiors. It’s always exciting to meet someone as enthusiastic for quality as you, Saul (you said it was okay to call you that, so I hope you weren’t joking!).
You can rest assured my firm has handled a range of design challenges over the years, and we wouldn’t be Albuquerque Style Now Magazine’s #4 interior design firm if we hadn’t left some smiles in our wake. I’m sure that between our extensive portfolio of custom homes and your desire to have a house that will, in your words, make every other lawyer’s “nads head back up into their cavities in jealousy,” you will plead guilty to having the best house in town. Lol.
On a professional note, I thought I’d recap some of the ideas we discussed to ensure we’re all on the same page.
Like you, I am a big fan of Renaissance art. People in Albuquerque are so hung up on adobe structures that speak to the history of our region that no one dares to brighten our community with the architectural classics. For example, your idea to recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in your powder room will no doubt give your guests the bathroom experience of a lifetime. I suggest painting the floor with a 3-D effect as if the toilet is on top of Michelangelo’s scaffolding.
Similarly, I agree with your old-school design philosophy that master bathrooms can’t be big enough. Not to be presumptuous, but I’ve already contacted a quarry in Carrera, Italy, and set aside unusually veined marble slabs for your hundred-square-foot shower. I keep on retainer an undocumented trompe-l’oeil artist who is already researching images of Roman Gods and their submissive cherubs in an Italian garden for a mural on the wall opposite the imported Grecian bronze double bowl sinks.
Your bedroom, of course, should be your sanctuary. Besides a mattress that could hold a Caligulian-sized orgy, I believe there should be a constant odor of power. I’m imagining the smell of a Roman senate chamber with well-worn toga scents wafting through the space. It’s certainly worthy of some design investigation. Anyone you bring there will know that you’re in charge. Also, I would recommend a fun rug.
If your bedroom is your sanctuary, then your closet is the inner sanctum. My assistants will come to your house and catalog your ties, shirts, and blazers. We can keep it simple with LED lighting, motorized shoe racks, and floor mirrors. I recommend using only wood reclaimed from fourteenth-century French castles for your cabinets.
When your guests sit at your impressive sixteen-foot-long endangered Belgian Oak replica of King Henry the VIII’s dining room table, they will be suitably impressed by your full-wall Etruscan relief depicting the Israelites’ escape from Egypt. Many of my clients favor family photos or O’Keeffe prints, but this wall treatment will scream opulence and make people take notice.
Keeping with the Bible theme interiors, for the foyer, I would suggest a plexiglass burning bush (with a gas hook-up) so that upon entry, visitors will feel that they have truly been chosen to visit you. I know an ex-hippie from Taos who makes them at a very reasonable price.
In the grand stair hall, there is yet another opportunity for people to get jealous goose bumps when they walk in the door. Incorporating custom stained-glass panels in the two-story entry stair hall will make sure that guests at your parties will be constantly aware of the expense you’ve gone to employ high-class artisans. I also fully support your vision to include “tasteful nudes” in the stained-glass panel designs.
Although you said you won’t be cooking much in your kitchen, I think recreating the kitchen from the Palazzo Medici in Florence is a reasonable way to let people know that you have class. I’m confident that my appliance vendor can accommodate your request that the indoor ice dispenser only have cubes in the form of the dollar sign.
I have not forgotten about your security requirements. It’s perfectly natural to want to have space for your valuable stashes as well as a haven from possible intruders. Our firm has a long-standing relationship with the vault designers at Mesa Verde bank, so you’re in good hands there. Also, Saul, I count myself as one of the proud citizens concerned over the intrusions of drug cartels on our daily lives here in Albuquerque. I’m sure you can agree with me that we all need to be vigilant. We can do the soil testing to confirm the structural viability of an underground system of concrete “hiding spaces” you referred to last night. We have more experience in doing tunnel interiors than anyone else in town.
I neglected to mention that I had a recent client, a Mr. Gus Fring, who I’m sure I could use as a reference as to the quality of the lower-level labyrinth we designed for him. It was efficient, but not stylish. To be honest, Mr. Fring doesn’t have your design ambitions. Not to sound catty, but that’s no surprise really—the man just sells chicken. I’m sure he or his associate Mr. Erhmantraut would happily vouch for our work.
I can save the rest of the discussion for when I present to you my vision board of furniture and sculpture that recreates the home of the mayor of Pompeii right before Mount Vesuvius enshrined it in ashes. I can guarantee you that no one else in New Mexico will have a conversation pit in their salon like yours. I’m happy to arrange that presentation at your court schedule’s convenience.
Saul, as you can tell I am very much looking forward to working with you. I started my practice here in the Southwest hoping to find people with unique tastes, so when I saw your billboard soliciting only the “highest quality architects,” I knew I had to respond. I said to myself, “Better draw, Brad!” Lol. I’ve been one of Albuquerque Design Futurists’ top forty-nine “visionaries” the last five years, so with confidence I say that together we can forge a new style of “desert class” that will have both the architecture and legal communities buzzing. I’m excited to dig deep!
Attached you will find my proposal for architectural services, including my professional discount on all specialty hardware and imported subway tile. Also, I spoke to my office manager, and as per your request, it is totally fine for you to pay our fees with all cash.
Respectfully yours,
Brad Mayhew
Mayhew Design Collective
Check out Gary Rudoren (an actual, real-life architect) and Eric Hoffman’s classic book, Comedy by the Numbers, in our store.