My partner’s pregnant – but I had a vasectomy before we met

DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE been told by my partner she’s three months pregnant. There’s just one problem with that — I had a vasectomy before we met.

She’s really happy about the baby and has no idea that I know it can’t be mine.

I’m 44 and she’s 43. We’ve been together for three years.

When we met, I was separated, with three children.

My partner said she didn’t want kids and, because of her age, believed it was too late anyway.

I didn’t mention the vasectomy as it didn’t seem important or relevant. And the longer it went on, the harder it was to tell her.

We’ve had a few problems lately and she’s seemed distant with me.

I’ve been working away a lot and haven’t always been a great partner.

But for the past month or so, we’ve been getting on better. We were even talking about marriage.

Yet when she told me she was pregnant, I was so shocked I couldn’t speak.

I’ve been pretending I’m happy for her but I’m going crazy.

She now thinks it was meant to be, and is really excited about becoming a mum.

If I tell her about the vasectomy, she’ll be angry and hurt that I kept this from her.

And worse, I’ll have to confront her about her secret lover — or lovers.

I have no idea who she might have been cheating with.

She’s classed as a high-risk pregnancy because of her age, so I don’t want to upset her.

The truth is, I haven’t been a saint in the past either, but I love her and don’t want to lose her.

I’m sure I could love the baby like it was my own. Plenty of men bring up other people’s kids.

Should I say something or is it better for everyone to keep quiet?

DEIDRE SAYS: There’s one possibility you haven’t considered – vasectomies don’t always work.

Although it’s rare for them to fail, they are not 100 per cent effective.

Unless you get a DNA test, you can’t be certain the baby isn’t yours.

You can arrange this through cellmark.co.uk, or call 0800 036 2522.

But if she hasn’t been cheating, asking for this would devastate her and could destroy your relationship.

This doesn’t have to be a big confrontation. You can simply explain you have been feeling confused by her news because you had a vasectomy.

You will only be able to work this through together if you both start talking honestly.

Keeping quiet about your thoughts will only damage your relationship in the long run.

In the meantime, you do need support and to get this off your chest. Talk to Supportline (supportline.org.uk, 01708 765 200.)