'iCarly' star Jennette McCurdy says her narcissistic mother bathed with her and her 16-year-old brother as a control tactic
Eric Charbonneau/Invision for Open Road Films/AP
- "iCarly" actor Jennette McCurdy wrote about her abusive relationship with her mother in her memoir.
- She said her mother forced 11-year-old McCurdy and her 16-year-old brother to shower together.
- On the show "Red Table Talk," McCurdy said she now recognizes it as a control tactic, and detailed others her mom used.
"iCarly" star Jennette McCurdy shared details of her late mother's physical and emotional abuse, including forced showers at 11 years old with her 16-year-old brother, on the season premiere of "Red Table Talk."
McCurdy, the award-winning actress known for her role as Sam Puckett, wrote the memoir "I'm Glad My Mom Died." In it, she says her mother Debra physically and emotionally abused her until her death from cancer in 2013.
On "Red Table Talk," McCurdy explained some of the control tactics she says her mother Debra used, like teaching her daughter calorie restriction at 11, and forcing McCurdy and her brother to get into the shower with her, where she'd insist on washing them, saying they wouldn't do a good enough job themselves.
The showers included genital and breast exams, which her mother said were to check for cancer, McCurdy told "Red Table Talk" hosts Jada Pinkett Smith, Adrienne Banfield Norris, and Willow Smith.
McCurdy says she started dreading showers at 6, but didn't understand why until much later
McCurdy said her home felt like a place of "chaos" and "turbulence" while she was growing up.
Her mother hoarded, forcing McCurdy and her three older brothers to sleep on mats on the floor, she said. McCurdy also said their neighbor threatened to call Child Protective Services many times when he'd hear screaming matches through the family's front door. Often, Debra would chase their dad Mark around the house with a kitchen knife and refused to go to therapy, McCurdy said.
Though McCurdy never felt safe, she didn't think her mother's actions were inappropriate until she went to the doctor with her when she was 11. There, her mother seemed to agree with the doctor's concern over McCurdy's low body weight. But at home, Debra applauded McCurdy for eating as little as possible to appear thin and young, she said on "Red Table Talk."
McCurdy also recalled dreading showers with her mother and brother five years before that doctor's appointment.
Debra would say McCurdy didn't know how to wash and care for her curly hair, so she had to wash it for her, she said. She also justified the group showers by saying she had "too much to do," and bathing McCurdy and her brother together would speed things up.
Debra died in 2013. Since then, McCurdy said she has gone to therapy to heal from the abusive relationship dynamic. Though her mother was never diagnosed with a mental illness, McCurdy said her own therapist believes Debra had bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or a combination of them.
McCurdy says her abusive relationship with her mother still affects her relationships today
On "Red Table Talk," McCurdy said she's still in therapy to undo the unhealthy codependence her mom taught her in childhood. She's always looking out for narcissism in potential partners, she said.
When she started seeing a therapist, she couldn't name any of her own emotions because she hid them from her mother for so long to keep her happy.
Because of her mother's cancer diagnosis, McCurdy felt like she could never say "no" to her. As an adult, she would reel at any physical touch from others. If someone would reach out for a hug, McCurdy would think, "I can't give them what they want from me," and pull back.
It's a response common among daughters who experience physical abuse at the hands of their mothers, trauma therapist Kelly McDaniel, told McCurdy on the "Red Table Talk" episode.
According to McDaniel, a codependent mother-daughter bond forms a pseudo-marriage between them. This makes it difficult for the daughter to grow into an independent sexual being.
McCurdy said she's still working to heal from her childhood. Today, she and her brothers remain close, but she has no plans to forgive her late mother.
"I worked towards forgiveness for a really long time, and my therapist said to me one day, 'What if you don't have to work towards forgiveness?'"
Giving up on forgiveness allowed McCurdy to let go of guilt, she said.