Our New Line of Men’s Grooming Products Is Perfect for You—a Big, Strong Man
Our new line of men’s grooming products is cutting edge, down-to-earth, and isn’t sold in colors not already present in a storm cloud—in short, it’s perfect for you: a big, strong man.
You know, guy’s guys. Outdoorsy types. Grill masters. Flannel wearers.
We make our products for the kind of guy who doesn’t chop his own firewood but is definitely interested in the idea. The kind of guy who doesn’t play a sport professionally but played a little in high school and enjoys bringing it up in conversation. The kind of guy who will, inevitably, decide to dive headfirst into the world of mixed martial arts with little to no preparation at some point in his life.
I’m talking about men. James Bond-types. Corporate rockstars. Old-timey pirates. Beer drinkers.
Our grooming products are for guys who hear “self-care” and think, “not for me.” Guys who hear “basic grooming” and think, “that’s woman stuff.” They’re for guys whose toenails remain unclipped, whose wipes aren’t really doing what they should, and who have a definite, if unidentifiable, smell to them. They’re for guys who would only buy a hand balm if it was marketed to bare-knuckle boxers, and those who would only buy a razor in black, blue, or steel.
This stuff? It’s for coal miners. Not actual coal miners, per se, but those who embody the general spirit of a coal miner (sad, cold) or appreciate the overall aesthetic of coal mining as a profession (underground). You don’t mine for coal now, but that’s not to say you couldn’t. If you wanted to wield a pickaxe, you totally could. And, actually, you’re thinking of chopping your own firewood, which is kind of similar to coal mining, vibe-wise. You wear carpenter pants and sturdy boots that keep your feet warm while at your nine-to-five office job. It’s drafty as hell in there, but you’d never ask them to turn up the thermostat. You’re not that kind of guy.
You’re the kind of guy who thinks deodorants shouldn’t make you smell better—just different. The kind of guy who’s interested in smelling like “Out West” or “Mulch” or “Under the Bed”—who wouldn’t be caught dead smelling like the first day of spring (a woman’s season) unless, of course, it was the first day of spring during a zombie apocalypse or something. That’s what a man smells like. Reanimated corpses.
The men who buy our products are bold—fearless. But not in a Taylor Swift way. They’re overconfident in their sense of direction and a danger to themselves in nature. They’re the guys who see a bear cub on a hike and think, “I’d like to get closer to that.” They’re literally seconds from death at any given time.
With products like “Bar Fight” beard oil, “RAGE” lip balm, and “Back in My Day” rejuvenating face masks, our customers can pamper themselves while remaining secure in the idea that, if they tried, they could bowl professionally.
The guys who buy our products? Well, they’re earth-shakers. Trend-setters. Body-builders (in the loosest sense). They’re jet setters and homeowners and savants. They’re strong and wiry and rude to waiters. They’re self-described “providers,” but they won’t say no to splitting the bill.
Our target customers order their steak medium rare. They also understand there’s no shame in asking their waiter to take it back and see whether the chef could cook it for a little longer.
These grooming essentials are for big, strong men. Or aspiring big, strong men. Or those who feel a tangential relationship to the idea of being a big, strong man. Or those who are dating, married to, or otherwise related to any of the above and saw our products on one of those “Gift Guides for the Men in Your Life” BuzzFeed lists. We’re on literally every single one, alongside leather wallets, artisan pocket knives, and molds for those big-ass ice cubes to put in a glass of whiskey.
If this sounds like you, check out our products today—sold exclusively in-person at Bass Pro Shops.