F-35 diagnosed with ejectile dysfunction
By As For Class
FORT WORTH, Texas — The F-35 has a problem many men can understand: ejectile dysfunction.
The $400 billion stealth fighter jet—designed to dominate the skies, protect our country from harm, and blow a lifetime’s worth of tax dollars—has recently been diagnosed with an unfortunate case of ED.
Recent events have served to highlight the severity of the F-35's problem. Defense officials say an F-35 in Texas had a test flight failure, which embarrassed both the F-35 and its pilot, who was discharged from the aircraft prior to the F-35 culminating the training exercise.
Worse yet, the entire event was filmed and posted online. At first, officials tried to brush it off as an invasion of the F-35’s privacy. But the cat is now out of the bag, and everyone knows the F-35’s secret. Word is that the F-35’s ejection seat was equally embarrassed at its premature rise to the occasion.
But how did this happen?
Some experts believe the F-35's ED may result from its high-stress job and long deployments. Others say that’s ridiculous because the Air Force doesn’t have stressful deployments. Still, others say it could be due to the jet's faulty wiring, which has caused other problems in the past.
Despite its many issues, the F-35 has always been a bit of a show-off. It's no secret that the jet loves to flex its muscles and flaunt its advanced stealth capabilities.
But now, the F-35's ego may have gotten the best of it. In its quest to be the best, the jet may have pushed itself too hard, leading to its current issues.
The international community has had a range of reactions to the news of the F-35's ED. Some countries, such as Australia and Japan, have expressed concern and offered their support. Others, such as Canada and Denmark, have stayed quiet, though they have been spotted whispering and snickering at inappropriate times.
Meanwhile, the F-35 spouse, the United States Air Force, has been trying to downplay the issue, saying that it is a "minor glitch" and that the F-35 is still a "capable and reliable" aircraft.
Not everyone is buying it.
China and Russia, two of the F-35's biggest haters, have seized the news as an opportunity to poke fun at the troubled jet. Chinese state media has called the F-35 a "paper tiger" and an "easy platform to copy"” while Russian officials have suggested that the F-35's ED is a sign of its lack of "vodka-induced alcoholism"”