Waffle House employees to teach Army combatives
By As For Class
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army said today it would replace traditional combatives training with a new hand-to-hand combat program designed by Waffle House employees.
According to sources, top brass at the Pentagon have been impressed by the quick thinking and formidable fighting skills displayed by Waffle House staff during late-night brawls with inebriated patrons.
"These individuals have proven themselves to be experts in the field of close-quarters combat and we believe they have much to offer our troops," said a Department of Defense spokesperson.
Under the new program, soldiers will learn vital hand-to-hand combat techniques such as "The Pancake Tuck and Roll,” "The Syrup Twister,” and the “Get THE f*&% Out of my Establishment” maneuver.
They will also be taught how to properly wield a waffle iron as a weapon and use syrup bottles as throwing projectiles.
Waffle House employees have recently become a hot commodity for military recruiters across the United States. Some have even been given waivers to enter as E4s so that they can fast-track into combative instructor positions.
"I never thought I'd be using my Waffle House experience in combat, but I'm ready to serve my country and flip some pancakes," said one soldier directly recruited from a recent Waffle House position.
But not everyone is on board with the new training program. Critics argue that the skills taught by Waffle House employees are too dangerous for the modern battlefield.
"This is a ridiculous and dangerous idea," said retired Gen. John Smoothwater. "Our soldiers need to be trained in real combat techniques, not how to flip a chair when it’s thrown at you. The odds of such an event even taking–oh, that really happened? And it happened in a Waffle House? Well. I’ll be damned."
Others have raised concerns about the potential liability issues that may arise from soldiers using cast iron pans and Tabasco bottles as weapons of opportunity.
"If we teach them these things, it’s only a matter of time before these trade secrets enter the barracks–or worse, the civilian sector. Can you imagine Waffle House Dojos standing up in every major American city?" Trisha McZilla, a legal expert. "This is a recipe for disaster."
Despite these criticisms, the Army is moving forward with the program since it will provide soldiers with the necessary skills to handle any situation, whether a battlefield or a Waffle House, the service said.
"The Army is confident that this new training program will give our troops the edge they need on the battlefield and ensure that the enemy never messes with our syrup again. We're not just flipping waffles, we're flipping the script on warfare," said Marine Col. Porth Warker. "We'll be the best-fed and best-trained military in the world. And let's be real, there's nothing more hostile than a Waffle House at 2am on a Saturday.”
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.