I had affair with married man & don’t regret a thing – the sex was fun and frantic…I never thought once about his wife
DOWNTON ABBEY star Amy Nuttall has reportedly been left “crushed” by husband Andrew Buchan’s affair.
The 40-year-old star is said to have been “crying almost every day” since her partner of 11 years Andrew, 44, left her for his Better co-star Leila Farzad, 39.
Flings often break a relationship and females cheated on often blame the other women.
Singer Shakira split with footballer husband Gerard Pique, 36, last year after he allegedly cheated.
The 46-year-old singer said this week that there’s “a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women”.
But is the mistress really to blame for infidelity?
Here two women give their views on the subject.
NO, says writer Rachel Foster, who had an affair in her 20s
“BLAME the man, not the mistress — that’s my viewpoint and I’m sticking to it.
“I had a brief but exhilarating affair with a married man and as a single woman, I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt about it.
“If he hadn’t chosen me as his “other woman”, it would’ve been someone else.
“I was in my 20s when I moved from a quiet town in the North to the bright lights of London.
“Young, free and thrill-seeking single, I lapped up the vibrant cocktail bars at Oxford Circus and Soho.
“The Big City offered a cosmopolitan lifestyle which was a million light years away from where I had come from.
“I felt as though I had “arrived” — utterly cool and ready for a life of debauchery and mischief in my skinny jeans, sparkly vest tops and fake tan. Back then, life was for living in the fast lane and I had YOLO (you only live once) ringing in my ears.
“One evening, I was approached in a bar by a smartly dressed man in a long, expensive-looking coat, cufflinks and shiny shoes.
“He wasn’t my usual rugged type, but 40-year-old Simon* owned his own business and was from a family who owned a shipping company.
“I felt flattered by his attention and I turned a blind eye to the wedding ring on his finger.
“He said he lived with his wife and young daughter in an apartment near Camden and they were away for the night. He took me there and we had sex in his marital bed.
“I was seduced by his suave looks and his generosity. He lavished me with gifts and took me to expensive hotels.
“The sex was fun and frantic, and while he revealed little about his marriage, he said his home life was dull.
“Since his wife had become a mum, he missed her attention. It was exactly as I suspected marriage to be — desperately boring and staid.
“It had reached that inevitable point of monotony where one, or the other, craves some fun on the side and goes looking.
“We met twice a week and because I was caught in the moment, I didn’t once stop to think about his wife and child.
“They were his “problem”, not mine, and I was having too much fun to care.
“As for breaking the “girl code”, he came looking for me and in my eyes, that’s fair game.
“But it was an affair, nothing more. He had no plans to leave his wife so three months later I ended it.
“And to this day, I feel no remorse. Men who cheat make their bed and should lie in it.
“Lay the accountability at their door, not mine.”
- *name has been changed
YES, they are guilty says business consultant Charlotte-Jane Brooker
“I AGREE with Shakira that there is a certain place in hell for mistresses.
“Women who have had affairs with men in relationships and claim they are not to blame are living a fantasy.
“They are home wreckers and out for themselves. They are certainly not blameless. I discovered a long-term partner had been cheating on me.
“I felt like my life was over, the future we had worked hard to build together came crashing down.
“A mutual friend hinted that he might be seeing someone behind my back.
“I turned detective, and by checking his social media, I discovered more evidence he had been cheating and sneaking around.
“I felt stunned. When I discovered the affair, my fella initially denied the fling.
“But after I insisted I knew, he begged me not to tell his mistress’s own long-term partner.
“From the moment of discovery, my trust in men and, crucially, other women was shattered.
“The fact this trust was broken with the help of another woman appals me. By no means is the partner free of guilt, but mistresses are also certainly not guilt-free.
“They need to think about the homes left shattered, people having to find new places to live, belongings split and the sadness that brings.
“They cannot be blind to their behaviour and its effects on wives or partners, children and the extended family of the person who they are having a tryst with.
“To claim passion as an excuse is shocking and unfair. It definitely takes two people to have an affair.
“I’m not disputing that the man knows what he is doing, but the “other woman” knows she is going to be breaking another woman’s heart — and in some cases, those of families too.
“A mistress is breaking the girl code that demands women should stand by other females.
“They are, put simply, women ruining other women’s lives.
“I’ve heard arguments that mistresses think they are doing the wife or partner of their lover a favour by highlighting what a partner is really like, but this is guilt-relieving tosh.
“If mistresses gave blokes an ultimatum, and said: “Leave your partner and then we’ll have a fling,” that would be fairer.
“It cost me money to change the locks, split personal belongings and restart a single life after sharing all the bills.
“Taking on this financial burden in the cost-of-living crisis is awful. I feel we should charge these women a mistress tax!”
WHY MEN CHEAT, By The Dark Horse
A DAD-OF-THREE, who goes by the online psuedonym The Dark Horse, admits he has been consistently unfaithful in his 11-year marriage. Here the 41-year-old sheds light on what drives a person to cheat. He says:
“AS a self-proclaimed serial cheat, I know how to do it properly and what my wife doesn’t know can’t hurt her.
“Men like me can lie like no other and we know how to cover our tracks.
“Some cheats argue that it’s just in their make-up while others weep that they’re neglected or insecure. Then there are men like me who simply enjoy the thrill and lap up the attention along the way.
“Cheating feels like a game – I am constantly striving for a better score . . .
IT’S IN THE GENES
“WHEN it comes to men, perhaps our evolutionary programming is to blame.
“Our male ancestors were all about maximising their chances of passing on their genes, and it could explain why the modern- day man seeks multiple partners.
“Then there’s testosterone. A hormone that can ramp up a man’s desire to 11 and make him crave new sexual experiences. And that rush of dopamine during sex?
“Yes, that can contribute to the pleasure and excitement that some men associate with cheating too.
AND IN THE MIND
“PEOPLE who cheat have minds that work in mysterious ways.
They might struggle with intimacy and commitment, be narcissistic or struggle with low self-esteem.
“If a man needs an ego boost, he might go looking for validation in all the wrong places.
“And if his childhood was a mess – parental infidelity, divorce, that sort of thing – that could also make him more likely to cheat.
FEELING NEGLECTED
“FEELING unappreciated and frustrated at home means it’s inevitable that one or both will start seeking fulfilment outside of the relationship.
“And let’s not forget about sexual dissatisfaction.
“If I’m not getting what I need in the bedroom, I look elsewhere for those mind-blowing experiences.
IT’S HARD TO STAY FAITHFUL
“THANKS to social media and dating apps, it’s never been easier for cheaters to find potential partners. Swipe right, match, and boom – you’re one step closer to cheating.
“And let’s not forget about cybersex and online affairs.
“Who needs to leave their house when you can have a virtual romp with someone on the other side of the world?
BUT IT’S EASIER TO GET CAUGHT
“HERE’S the catch: That digital footprint you’re leaving behind.
“It might just come back to bite you, so tread carefully.
“Hardened cheats have burner phones, secret credit cards and alibis on tap.
“While I relish being unfaithful I don’t condone it and those who do it need to carefully cover their tracks.”
- Read The Dark Horse’s blog at cheaters handbook.com.