My boyfriend still watches porn he made with exes – I feel worthless
DEAR DEIDRE: I ALWAYS wondered how I measured up sexually with my boyfriend’s exes and now I know.
I have found dozens of homemade porn videos on a phone hidden in his bedside table, featuring him and several of his exes.
He has always refused to talk about how many sexual partners he’s had, but now I know it’s more than a dozen.
Since I’ve seen him with each of these women, enjoying and engaging in the most intimate of moments, I’ve felt totally worthless and ugly.
Aside from the homemade videos there were plenty of other films that looked professionally produced.
Our sex life has deteriorated recently and I’m sure he has been watching these videos because he doesn’t seem to fancy me any more.
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When we met, the sex was great. We were ripping each other’s clothes off.
And yes, it was exciting to film a couple of home videos, which he made out would be a first for him.
Then he was promoted to manager at his call centre, which meant more money but also more responsibility and stress.
From then on he always had an excuse for avoiding intimacy, like his mind was on other things, he was tired or had a pain somewhere.
He even said he didn’t want to get me pregnant, even though he knew I was on the pill.
I’m 28 and he’s 31 and we’ve lived together for nine months.
I feel cheap and ugly because no matter how hard I try, he’s not interested.
I’ve been buying nice lingerie, dressing up for him, massaging him — everything — but he always turns me down.
He’d rather look at films and photos of his exes for his sexual kicks.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t blame yourself. Your boyfriend is likely to have a pornography addiction which has nothing to do with any inadequacy you may be feeling.
It’s likely he turned to porn as a distraction from the stress he is feeling. But now his appetite for pornography is seriously undermining your confidence.
Please tell him that you know he’s using pornography and avoiding sex with you. If he denies it, you’ll have to tell him what you found.
He can get support at a reasonable cost through pivotalrecovery.org.
You can work on your relationship through the College of Sexual & Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635) who can connect you with a counsellor.