I'm a friend of the royal family and grief expert. Here are 7 things I want everyone to know about grief.
Courtesy of Julia Samuel
- Julia Samuel is a psychotherapist, a grief expert, and the founder of Grief Works.
- She had a personal relationship with Princess Diana and is the godmother of Prince George.
- This is Samuel's story, as told to Kelly Burch.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Julia Samuel. It has been edited for length and clarity
People are always fascinated by my relationship with the royal family. I was friends with Princess Diana and have worked together with Prince William at Child Bereavement UK, a charity I founded to help children rebuild their lives after loss. More recently, I became the godmother of Prince George and may have helped Meghan Markle navigate her mental-health concerns, if you believe the papers.
My relationship with the royal family is personal and private, so I work to keep it that way. But through my work as a psychotherapist addressing grief, I know that everyone, royal or not, will experience grief during their lives. That's part of the fascination with the royals — people look at them and see their own experiences of loss.
Grief is universal, but we don't talk about it. I want to change that. That's why I wrote "Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving." Grief Works became a course, then an app, to help people heal. Here's what I want people to know about grief.
Grief stays with us
The biggest misconception about grief is that we can get over it. I believe we can heal, but we never fully leave grief behind. I like an analogy here: If we think of grief as a fluid, soon after a loss, it fills us entirely. But with time and guidance, we grow. Grief doesn't shrink, but it takes up a smaller amount of space within us.
Healing is work
I chose the name for my book because processing grief really is work. You've got to learn skills and move through emotions. It may be tempting to bottle things up and ignore them, but that will just make the work harder in the long run.
You'll experience so many different emotions
Grief is one word, but we use it to refer to a whole universe of emotions. After a loss, you won't feel just sad. You'll feel furious, terrified, outraged, and frustrated, as well as grateful for the relationship. Sometimes you'll feel these conflicting emotions at once, which can make you think you've lost your mind. If you can break the emotions down and name each one, you're better able to understand and process them.
It's OK to have moments of happiness
After a loss, it feels like the most direct connection to our loved one is the pain of our grief. If we laugh out loud or enjoy a day with friends, we might feel guilty for abandoning our loved one. Yet you don't have to prove your suffering. You can spend time with the pain of grief, but then compartmentalize it enough to get other tasks done.
Relationships continue after death
When your parent or partner dies, your relationship with them doesn't end. The love you feel doesn't suddenly disappear. But the way you express it must change. Find new ways to connect with that person or their memory. This might be wearing a piece of jewelry, cooking a meal they loved, or visiting a tree you planted in their memory.
Create a story around loss
Having a narrative with a beginning, middle, and end calms your system. After a loss, it's powerful to journal and create the story of your relationship with your loved one and their death. Even a story with holes can help you process. Over time, you can find more information to fill in the details.
We need to talk about death
We all die. But none of us want to talk about it. So when it happens, our loved ones are thrown into a new world without a map. If you can have conversations about death long before it occurs, it makes the whole thing much less frightening. You won't hasten your loved one's death if you ask them about their final wishes — but you will make coping with logistics a little easier when the time comes. Guilt and what-ifs are the most painful part of grief. You can spare your loved ones from that by talking to them openly about your end-of-life wishes.