The Last of Us If Ellie Were Forty-One Years Old Instead of Fourteen
Joel is driving along a deserted highway. Ellie is in the passenger seat drinking a Diet Snapple.
JOEL: We stay on this road and we’ll reach our destination by nightfall.
ELLIE: All right, cool, cool. But we’re going to stop at rest stops along the way, right?
JOEL: No, too dangerous.
ELLIE: Okay, it’s just that I might need to pee at some point.
JOEL: We just stopped to pee.
ELLIE: Yeah, well, that was fifteen minutes ago. And I’m gonna need to pee again in another fifteen minutes. Sorry, but liquids just run through me at my age.
JOEL: Then stop drinking so many Diet Snapples. Where did you even find those?
ELLIE: You’re a middle-aged man. How do you not have to pee all the time? I’ve seen you down those bottles of whiskey. Me? All I think about is peeing. You might walk into a place and scan it for danger, but I walk in and check to see if there’s a clean restroom stall with a full roll of toilet paper and a little hook on the door for your handbag.
JOEL: No stops.
ELLIE: But don’t you have to pee?
JOEL: (faraway look in his eyes) I lost the will to pee years ago.
Joel and Ellie are hiding in an abandoned museum. We can hear the Infected in the distance.
JOEL: Don’t make any noise. They’re attracted to sound.
ELLIE: Okay, no sound… What about toots?
JOEL: What about them?
ELLIE: Well, what if I have to toot right now?
JOEL: Then hold it in.
ELLIE: It’s not healthy to hold it in.
JOEL: (hissing) Keep your voice down. You’re gonna get us both killed.
ELLIE: Well, excuse me for eating canned goods. I thought we were supposed to be eating shelf-stable items in an apocalypse.
JOEL: Be. Quiet.
ELLIE: Okay. Fine.
Suddenly, we hear a soft, high-pitched noise that sounds like it’s asking a question.
JOEL: Christ. I’m deaf in one ear and I still heard that.
ELLIE: What did you expect? My entire diet consists of garbanzo beans. Just because I’m immune to the cordyceps infection doesn’t mean I can’t experience severe gas. How about you, huh? How are you not having whiskey toots right now?
JOEL: (brooding) I used to rip the meanest toots. But that was before the Gulf War.
It’s evening. Joel and Ellie are camping in the woods.
JOEL: We’ll take turns keeping watch. You take the first shift.
ELLIE: You want me to stay up?
JOEL: That’s what keeping watch is.
ELLIE: Okay, but I’m usually out like a light by 9:00 p.m.
JOEL: Well, too bad. I’m in my mid-fifties and I need to be in bed by nine too. I don’t know why I insisted on taking the night shift all those other times. (teary-eyed) I’m so tired.
ELLIE: (also teary-eyed) I’m so tired, man.
JOEL: I fall asleep at nine, only to wake up at four in the morning unable to go back to sleep. That time I bludgeoned that cannibal? It wasn’t because I was trying to save your life; it’s ’cause I was on four hours of sleep and didn’t know any better.
ELLIE: I found a gray nose hair the other day.
JOEL: What I wouldn’t give for a firm bed.
ELLIE: What I wouldn’t give for a Sue Grafton book and a bottle of cab sav.
JOEL: But then you’d just have to pee through the night.
Ellie breaks down sobbing.
JOEL: Look, if you take the first shift, I’ll teach you how to use a gun.
ELLIE: Gross!
JOEL: If you take the first shift, I’ll show you how to cross-stitch.
ELLIE: (sniffling) I’m listening.
JOEL: If you take the first shift, I’ll let you take the last roll of toilet paper.
ELLIE: Deal… I guess I’ll keep myself busy by reading this book of puns. Do you like puns?
JOEL: (downing a swig of whiskey) I’m a middle-aged man. Of course I like puns.