It took me 2 years to get diagnosed as menopausal because I'm in my 30s. And I'm nonbinary, so doctors were even more dismissive.
Caroline Barry
- When I got nightly hot flashes, I worried it was menopause — but I was just 35 and nonbinary.
- At first, doctors refused to diagnose me with menopause and many misgendered me.
- When I was finally told I was going through menopause, I felt alone and turned to holistic medicine.
It wasn't a doctor who first used the word "menopause" to describe my symptoms. My mother was the first to say my symptoms might be menopause.
Most women begin to experience symptoms of menopause in their mid- to late 40s. Even though I was only 35, my symptoms were textbook: My periods had gone from nonexistent to constant, my skin was reliving my teenage years, and my hot sweats had become nightly. I was a hormonal, constantly irritated mess.
When I sought medical guidance, no doctor wanted to entertain menopause because of my age. They refused to give me blood tests, or they offered me therapy when I complained of pain.
On top of all of this, I'm also nonbinary. When I was finally diagnosed, I was a 37-year-old nonbinary person going through menopause — and it felt like I was completely alone.
While I have ovaries, I use the terms nonbinary, queer, and they/them — and that made doctor visits difficult
I've never been comfortable in my skin, but there was a sense of relief when I finally came out at 28 years old. That relief was short-lived.
When I started going to doctors to get answers about my symptoms, I was often misgendered. I found myself explaining my nonbinary identity to doctors only to have them call me "she" seconds later. It was frustrating.
The gynecologists I saw for my symptoms also gave me physical examinations. These made me cry, shake, or freeze with fear. Even talking about them afterward made me uncomfortable because I was forced to confront deep-rooted feelings about my body.
Sally Kitchen, the chief operating officer of The Menopause Consortium, told me doctors need to take a more individualistic approach.
"Healthcare professionals must treat everyone as an individual so they feel they are listened to and not just part of a ticked box," Kitchen said. "Once healthcare professionals understand their patient's needs, they should be able to look at alternative treatments."
After 2 years of seeing doctors, I was finally told I was going through menopause
After years of countless blood tests, invasive internal tests, and a swirl of questions, I finally had my answer. I am going through menopause in my 30s.
I felt relief that I was finally diagnosed, but it also came with a surprising sadness I hadn't seen coming. This means I can't have children, and while I never planned to, the news hit me. I panicked about my decision: What if I was wrong? What if one day I do want a child? There is a big difference between won't and can't.
When I walked out of the doctor's office that day, I went back to work absolutely numb with sadness. It took me a full week to tell my partner because I just couldn't bear the news.
Feeling alone and marginalized, I turned to holistic medicine
I didn't want to go back to traditional doctors to help alleviate my menopausal symptoms — like brain fog and irritability — because they didn't treat me right as a nonbinary person. That's when I turned to plant-based supplements for help. For example, I took mushroom pills because they are supposed to help with menopausal mood swings.
Sandra Ishkanes is a functional-medicine practitioner specializing in hormone health. She gives each patient an assessment and questionnaire before suggesting supplements, lifestyle, or nutrition changes. She told me this type of approach can be beneficial for people who, like me, feel marginalized by traditional healthcare.
"The current medical system is based on science done on white, middle-aged men so everyone has to fall into that," Ishkanes told me. "If your hormones or biochemistry is different, then you fall outside of that research, and you are on your own."
I am now forging my own path
Needless to say, getting diagnosed with menopause was an uphill battle — even if you don't identify as female, it affects everyone with ovaries.
I am still discovering how to deal with my diagnosis, which will take time. While my moods are less furious and my brain fog has lifted, I'm still waiting to become myself again.