People are turning to TikTok to vent and air their relationship issues before talking to their partners — but they swear it helps

• Millennials and Gen Zers are using TikTok as a space to share frustrations in their relationships and love lives.
• Creators say they are building communities through shared experiences with their videos.
• However, experts worry about the longtail implications of posting so much of your personal affairs online.

"I'm gonna regret posting this, but I don't give a fuck right now," said 27-year-old Meg DeAngelis, a musician from California who said in a TikTok from November that she had just broken up with her boyfriend 10 minutes before posting. 

According to her viral selfie video — which has been watched nearly 18 million times — she discovered her ex had cheated on her. And before she could even process what had happened, she decided to record and share her most raw reaction to the news with a sea of strangers.

"I can't process a single emotion right now; I feel nothing," DeAngelis says in her TikTok. "It's going to hit me but before it does I'm going to say something rational: No matter how good you are, how rich you are, no matter how ugly he is, he'll still cheat."  

In 2023, social media has become an extension of ourselves and a public diary to work through life's tough moments with others. On TikTok, more and more users like DeAngelis are turning to the app to air their relationship grievances. 

These videos often go viral because viewers both love to be voyeurs to drama and to what they think are authentic moments. And while it offers creators a unique outlet or a chorus of validation during tough emotional hurdles, it's also creating new strains on young couples. Experts worry about the long-term effects of short-term comfort.

Creators say social media comments make them feel 'seen' and 'heard' where that was lacking in their relationships

Alexandria Kelly is a 26-year-old Michigan native social media manager and podcast host of "If He Wanted To He Would." She has been creating content on TikTok for about three years and does not stick to one genre of content. However, one type of video she often makes is recounting raw, lived experiences in her relationships. They get personal, but she said it's also cathartic for her to share them.

"Posting personal things on TikTok feels therapeutic for me, as I know it does for a lot of people," Kelly told Insider. "Being able to open my thoughts and express how I feel, and hear others feel the same, gives me a sense of community and comfort."

On January 1, Kelly shared a short 11-second video to illuminate a pain spot of a recent relationship. "POV you're washing his dishes while he is out getting ingredients to cook breakfast on New Year's Day but you both know he can't love or treat you the way you deserve and need this season," her on-screen text read.

Her video received 3.7 million views and a flood of concerned commenters urging her to leave the relationship and affirming that she does "deserve better." (Kelly ended the relationship soon after.)

She said social media can often be the support that people are not receiving in their relationships.

"I think a lot of us, especially women, feel unheard in a lot of ways, so coming together online is powerful to us. I don't mind being personal online as long as it does not put me or others in danger." 

"I never called him my boyfriend," she added. "But him and I were dating. Well, when I filmed it we were. When I posted it, I decided it was time to walk away on my terms, which I'm so proud of myself for doing."

The TikToker said she's unsure if her ex is aware of her viral video about him, but that's also beside the point: "To be honest, I don't care if they have seen it or will at some point They know how they were to me and how our relationship was. It wouldn't come as a shock to him." 

She said the videos ultimately help Kelly process her feelings. And the amount of support she received from women in similar situations encouraged her to make more. 

"I actually started a support group and a podcast because of this. It made me feel so much more heard because of everyone being so open about their experiences, too."

Similarly, DeAngelis did not expect her most viral TikTok would be an incredibly candid video of her painful breakup with her cheating ex. But because she grew up watching other creators openly share their personal lives, she also didn't have any qualms about doing the same at that moment. 

"I started watching YouTube when I was really young, and seeing older girls talking about personal topics so openly completely changed my perspective on myself," she told Insider.

DeAngelis added that she didn't have friends she could turn to at that time, so, in some ways, TikTok became that friend.

"I felt so much more comfortable knowing there were other people out there having the exact same problems as me, especially since I didn't have many friends to talk to about things like relationship drama or heartbreak,"she said. "It's embarrassing to post such raw moments on the internet, but If I can be that person for someone, it's worth it a thousand times."

The singer suspected her ex was probably "embarrassed" if he saw her TikTok, but she's equally unbothered by that. "If he wanted people to think better of him, he should have been better," she said.

DeAngelis had actually planned on deleting the video in the morning — something she said she does often after "impulsive posting." But because she woke up to thousands of comments applauding her for being so authentic, she felt like she had done a public good. "The feedback felt like a hug," she said.

Venting about your partners may give you short-term relief, but mental health experts worry it will create new and bigger problems down the line

While these young women say they've experienced more benefits to airing out their drama than not, experts are worried that they're not considering the longer-term effects of doing it so pervasively. 

Dr. Lauren Kerwin, a clinical psychologist based in California specializing in treating teens and young adults, is worried TikTokers are not learning how to confront difficult relationship issues privately, and with their partners, first. The screen can act as a "buffer," she explained.

"It's easier, in a way, than sharing things face to face — it's less vulnerable," Kerwin told Insider. "I don't think it's healthy for a committed couple in a serious relationship to look to TikTok for support. A licensed couples counselor and mental health professional is a much better avenue." 

However, she does understand how uniquely cathartic it can be for a person to turn to social media: "You can gain support from your online community."

Still, Kerwin wants people to remember that these videos will most likely follow them for the rest of their lives. Even if you delete it, it can still be dug up online. "I always tell my clients, 'Post only if you wouldn't be embarrassed having your grandma see this. Or yourself, 10 years from now'."

Posting so publicly can cause more problems in your current relationship. It even has the potential to damage future relationships, as people might see your videos and fear being with you could mean being "blasted" online for any misstep, she noted. 

She generally advises against posting issues you have with current partners publicly. But there are exceptions and ways to do it more harmlessly. For example, if "your partner knows what you're doing and thinks it's humorous," she said. "You're posting sarcastically or ironically while still acknowledging that this is just a quirk of your partner and you are committed to them anyway." 

As we've already seen, inviting millions of strangers into a relationship can cause new kinds of relationship friction. In late 2021, the infamous "couch guy" debacle taught us how far minor interpersonal problems can spin out of control online. When Lauren Zarras posted a video of surprising her long-distance boyfriend at his college, people were convinced that his lackluster reaction to seeing her was a major red flag. Zarras's partner was nicknamed "couch guy" for his demeanor on the couch, and people even began speculating he was cheating on her based on random clues they found in her other TikToks.

Bearing all potential downsides, quitting this social media habit is not so easy. There is a big audience for content where people expose their most personal experiences, and it only encourages the poster to make more of them. For both DeAngelis and Kelly, their relationship videos had a drastically bigger audience than their normal content. But they're trying to maintain a healthy perspective on when to share, and how much to share.

DeAngelis said she has no plans to post any more raw moments, even if they do generate millions of views. 

"I'm actually planning on my life becoming perfect soon so hopefully no more of those posts," she joked. "But until then, I'll just keep sharing like I always have on the internet."