Veteran unsure where to tattoo 'project management professional' on body
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Duluth, Minn. — Since leaving the Army last month, local veteran Justin Smart has been struggling with where on his body to have his recently earned professional certifications tattooed, sources confirm.
“I already have my basic training platoon motto tattooed on my calf,” Smart told reporters. “And I’ve got a pretty cool eagle on my lower back that’s carrying my Air Assault wings and Expert Soldier Badge.”
“Now I need to figure out where to get my new certs tattooed to show everyone how badass I am at being a civilian,” Smart added.
Smart, a former Signal soldier, was chaptered out of the Army last month after his third DUI. Sources say he used transition benefits to earn Project Management Professional (PMP), CompTIA A+, and Virtual Pokemon Trainer certifications while he was awaiting court martial.
“I was thinking about getting them tattooed across my upper back,” Smart thought aloud. “But it might be best to have them on the left side of my neck so I can stack them up like Ranger and Sapper tabs. You know, like the A+ tab on the bottom and a PMP tab over that. If I get that CISSP cert, I’d make it the long tab on the top.”
Soldiers in Smart’s old unit say he never attended either Ranger or Sapper schools. Still, Smart told Duffel Blog that he is ready to put his military career behind him, though several colleagues at his new civilian job believe he may have a long road ahead of him.
“Justin is a hard worker but he has his … quirks,” Smart’s supervisor told reporters. “At first, it was kind of cool to hear all of his Army stories. But anytime someone complains about having a rough day he talks about how bad it was in basic training and during his time overseas in some place called ‘Graf.’ I’m assuming that’s somewhere in Afghanistan?”
“And he calls everyone ‘high speed’ which would seem like a compliment, but sounds more like an insult the way he says it,” he continued.
Smart’s supervisor is not the only coworker to complain about his behavior. Others believe Smart may not fully grasp that he is no longer in the military.
“He seems like an okay guy, I guess,” one coworker told Duffel Blog. “But every other word out of his mouth is an ‘F-bomb’ or some other curse word. Last week, when some kid got locked out of his laptop, he called him a shitbag for forgetting his password. I had to remind him that while he is the head IT guy, this is an elementary school and he can’t talk to the children that way.”
Smart acknowledges he has experienced some setbacks during his military transition, but he takes accountability for his actions and is working to smooth his rough edges.
“Listen, I know I can be a little too Hooah sometimes,” Smart reflected as he stared at a stack of broken Chromebooks. “I just want to inspire my coworkers and these little turds to be all they can be.”
“Oh, that would make a pretty sweet tattoo on my forearm.”
Regarding Smart's tattoos, an anonymous source indicated that he had only completed a PMP bootcamp and had not yet passed the certification exam. If true, Smart would be considered a “professional certification poser” and/or “resume padder,” the civilian equivalent of “stolen valor.” This also raises ethical questions regarding these types of tattoos and the individual’s responsibility should their certifications lapse.
“I let my Lean Six Sigma green belt certification lapse, and it’s been a real pain in the ass having the tat removed,” said Andrew McMillan, another veteran and tattoo enthusiast. “Really a pain around the waist, I should say. I debated keeping it, but a band of Lean Six Sigma black belts jumped me in an alley behind my office and threatened me if I didn’t have it lasered off.”
At press time, sources say Smart was in the principal’s office for calling a third grader a “blue falcon” after the child uploaded a virus to the school's network while playing Roblox.
Cat Astronaut contributed to this reporting.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade is a retired Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on Twitter @FueledTirade.