I’m a mum-of-four and pregnant again at 41 – I was embarrassed to tell kids & people think they’re by different dads
IT’S the news you normally can’t wait to share.
But when Nicola Carr discovered she was expecting her fifth child at 41 — due this May — she felt too embarrassed to tell her children she was pregnant again.
She made her husband Andrew, 53, do the deed — despite the fact that their baby had been very much planned.
The couple, from Cardiff, are already parents to Harry, 20, Minnie, 18, Hermione, 12, and Louis, two, meaning Nicola has been pregnant in her twenties, thirties and now forties.
She says: “I’m embarrassed to say I was embarrassed, as being pregnant in your forties is totally normal nowadays.
“But there were several reasons I felt that way, not least because my eldest children are now old enough to have a baby the same age as my youngest.
“My mum had me at 18 and I had Harry at 21 — he turns that age next year.
“I worried that the thought of us having a sex life would make them go: ‘That’s gross!’
“I made Andrew tell them, when we were all in the hallway one morning about to go on a dog walk. I was too cowardly, too worried to do it myself.
“He just blurted it out: ‘By the way, Mum’s pregnant’.”
Having a baby later in life is increasingly common, with the average age to give birth almost 31. And births to women in their forties are now double those of teens. Fifty years ago, there were nine times as many teen mums as fortysomething ones.
‘Friends think I’m mad’
Nicola, a former childminder who now runs her own business with Andrew — The Crafty Parties — need not have worried about her kids’ reaction.
Her eldest son Harry was happy and daughter Minnie has even changed her university plans so she can be around to help with her new sibling.
Nicola says: “She told me: ‘I’ll have to go to Cardiff University. There’s no way I’m missing everything.’ She even wants to be my birthing partner.
“It’s a contrast to when I was expecting Louis. She was only 16 at the time and initially found a baby in the house annoying, but now she adores him.”
Excited Hermione, 12, will name the new baby, just as her older sister chose her name.
It is in contrast to the sons of Hollywood actress Claire Danes, who is pregnant with her third baby at 43 — an addition that was not planned.
Clare told talk show host Jimmy Fallon that her ten-year-old, Cyrus, was “sort of resigned to it” while four-year-old Rowan was “categorically opposed”.
But Nicola was not afraid of only her children’s reactions. She says: “I was worried that my mum and mother-in-law might say: ‘Ugh, pregnant again?!’
“The older generations don’t think it is safe to have babies in your forties, but my midwives have never once referred to me as a geriatric mum.
“My friends think I’m mad going back to the baby stage, yet are supportive. But strangers do make assumptions, that the kids don’t have the same father.
“My mum has to stress to her friends that I’m not divorced and remarried. When I was pregnant with Louis, it was lockdown and no one had seen me face-to-face.
“I ensured I shared pregnancy photos so that it didn’t look like Minnie had fallen pregnant at 16 and I was raising my grandchild.”
Like Nicola, former Atomic Kitten singer Natasha Hamilton recently revealed she was expecting a fifth baby, at 40 — a sibling for her other children Josh, 20, Harry, 17, Alfie, 12, and Ella, eight.
But while Natasha proudly showed off her pregnancy test and 12-week scan picture on social media, Nicola kept her own news secret from everyone except for immediate family — until she had her 20-week scan.
On New Year’s Day, she posted a subtle Facebook message stating that this was the year when “six become seven”.
‘Don’t take it for granted’
She says: “I chickened out of a big announcement and hoped people would work it out. It’s funny, as I didn’t feel embarrassment announcing my first pregnancy at 21, even though I was quite young.
Andrew and I were already engaged and living together, I’d left school at 18 and had a good job. There were raised eyebrows, but I felt settled.”
Nicola is keen to stress there is nothing embarrassing about having a baby in your forties and that she has teceived only positive comments.
She says: “I’ve joined a Facebook group for women who are over 40 and pregnant, which has been helpful.
“I’ve also had people messaging me saying I’ve inspired them to try for a baby.
“Lots of my friends are my age and pregnant too — having babies in your forties is becoming the norm now.
“Years ago, when I worked in a bank and was having my kids, I had older colleagues telling me how much they missed having little ones around. I think more people would do this if they weren’t scared or embarrassed.”
While she is finding pregnancy more tiring these days, Nicola believes there are advantages to having a baby later in life.
She says: “I was so young when I had my first two children — I was still learning about myself and lacking in confidence. I had no idea what to expect.
“Louis is such a happy toddler and I’m sure that’s because I’m more relaxed and financially secure.”
Nicola and Andrew, who have been married for 20 years, always wanted five children.
They planned to have big age gaps and to have two kids later in life.
But after suffering a pelvic disorder, symphysis pubis dysfunction, with her first three pregnancies — and then having her waters break at 26 weeks with Hermione — she waited longer to try again.
It took years to get pregnant with Louis and another two for the latest baby, in contrast to quick conceptions with her earlier three. The new baby will mean Nicola will have given birth aged 21, 23, 29, 39 and now 41.
While many parents of young adults are glad to get their freedom back, Nicola and Andrew are happiest devoting their time to their kids, who all live at home in their five-bedroom house.
She says: “I don’t feel like I’m missing out on time for myself. I’m not ready for the kids to move out and be left on my own. I’ll have plenty of time at 60.
“I love being back at the toddler groups and doing all the baby stuff. I’m tired but waking up and seeing Louis’ face every morning makes it worthwhile.
“I’m so lucky and thankful to have the big family I always dreamed of. I know other women aren’t so lucky or are trying in their 40s without success.
“I do feel guilty that I’ve had my good fortune — I don’t take it for granted at all.”