Evolutionary Disaster: A Busy IHOP Has Set Off This Man’s Fight or Flight

Millions of years of evolution have transformed human beings from early apelike bipeds to the highly intelligent creatures we are today, but unfortunately, all that time has not been enough for some of us to adapt to modern life. The man in this tragic story is an example of one such evolutionary failure: A busy IHOP has set off his fight or flight.

Oof. Looks like natural selection needs to take a second pass at this loser.

Luke Berkowicz of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania may seem like a perfectly advanced human specimen—he has a masters degree in programming, a full-time job, and a healthy social life—but then again, he’s currently having a full-on short-circuit meltdown because the pancake chain where he’s having breakfast with a few buddies after their rec kickball practice is getting slightly overcrowded. Luke’s neurochemistry began to go haywire soon as he entered the restaurant, where a small crowd near the host stand left him with little personal space while waiting to be seated, forcing him to awkwardly cram near the door as more parties filed in, making him feel as if there was nowhere he could stand without being in the way. 

Then, upon being seated, he was immediately overwhelmed by the huge plastic menu, which had far too many options and also had a little sticky spot of dried syrup on it. That, compounded by the incessant racket of kids bickering at the next table, triggered a surge of adrenaline through his body, causing his pores to sweat and his pupils to dilate as he tried in vain to decide whether it made more sense to get a pancake combo versus a simple stack of pancakes with an à la carte side. Then, when the waitress arrived before he was ready to give his order, Luke’s body reacted to the intrusion the way most people’s systems would respond to a traumatic car accident or military combat: blood began pumping to his limbs and away from his brain, readying him to make a lifesaving escape from the restaurant when a simple “I need another minute” would probably have sufficed. Feeling rushed, he went ahead and ordered something completely different than what he’d originally been considering, a decision he regretted as soon as the server left the table.

As more patrons have entered the IHOP, Luke’s amygdala has continued to flare with dire warning signals, as if his body somehow expects all the families enjoying pancakes to descend on him in some sort of mob and tear him limb from limb. Unfortunately, the parking lot outside has only grown fuller as time has gone on, and it’s at this point a near certainty that Luke will suffer a panic attack trying to back out of his spot and make a left turn onto the moderately busy two-lane street beyond, feeling all the while as though he is a primitive human fleeing a lion on the savannah. He is simply too flooded with fight-or-flight neurochemicals to function normally now, and will likely have to take the rest of the day off to recover from the assault on the senses he experienced while eating a relaxed 10 a.m. breakfast with friends.

Wow. What a true disaster of human evolution. It seems that some people just aren’t biologically calibrated to survive in the modern world. Let’s just hope that Luke never has any kids, as passing on his genes would only hinder evolutionary progress for the human race.