I’m married yet I find myself fantasising about my best friend – am I gay?

DEAR DEIDRE: THOUGH I’m not a lesbian, I’ve fallen passionately in love and can’t stop thinking about having sex with my best female friend.

Just thinking about her makes me more excited than I’ve felt since I was a young girl. I don’t know how this has happened to me.

I’m a middle-aged woman and have been married for 21 years.

I’m 48 and my husband is 50. We have a grown-up daughter aged 19.
My best friend is 47. She’s married too, and also has teen children.

My life has been very ordinary and conventional until now.

I have a management job, have brought up my daughter, looked after my home and gone on a two-week holiday each year.

If you asked if I was happy with my husband, I’d say yes — as happy as any normal couple can be. As for sex, we do it a couple of times a month, which is enough for me.

The menopause has diminished my libido — or so I thought — and, while I love my husband, I can’t say his paunchy frame and white chest hairs turn me on.

Over the past few months, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend, helping her to pack up her late mother’s house.

We’ve been friends since uni, but lately we’ve talked more than we have in years, and have grown close.

I’ve found myself oddly excited going to see her, and not wanting to say goodbye when it’s time to go.

In bed at night, to my surprise, I’m having sexual fantasies about her — while I touch myself.

I’ve never felt this way about a woman before.

Am I gay?

If I say something, she might reject me and I’ll lose her friendship too.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Sexuality is complex, and it’s not always helpful to label yourself.

What’s clear is that you have strong feelings for this woman, who gives you something lacking in your relationship with your husband.

Long-term relationships can become stale. But if you love him, it’s better to try to reboot your marriage, than risk throwing it away for someone who might not feel the same.

Read my support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Relationship MOT, and see if you can work on things together.

Relationship counselling could help, contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).You may find your feelings for your friend settle down naturally.