How to last longer in bed

How to last longer in bed? This is the ultimate question. 

There are a lot of reasons why people with penises don’t last as long as they might like to. It can come from social pressure, performance anxiety (which plagues about 25 percent of the cis-male population), and general misinformation about what it means to last longer. 

Look, the average time that a person with a penis lasts between getting an erection and ejaculating is between 5 to 7 minutes. Yeah, 5 to 7 minutes. No joke.

The holy grail of lasting longer in bed is sexually diversifying beyond penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse and penis-related activities. Because, honestly, getting pounded for 15 minutes straight just isn’t that fun for most people. 

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Lasting longer is about taking the focus off of penises (sometimes) so that the people who own them have an actual chance of enjoying a whole breadth of sex acts before they reach climax. 

And, you know, their partners get to have more pleasure, too. "When it comes to straight sex, once a [penis-owner] ejaculates, the game is over and [they usually] lose interest and motivation. If [their partner] didn’t finish before [the penis did], it’s likely [they] will feel dissatisfied and disappointed," says Kenneth Play, an international educator and best-selling author of Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hacker’s Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence.  

Good and satisfying sex comes from having a big menu of options so that you can find what works for you. 

Let’s break down why we’re so obsessed with lasting a long time (because it’s actually important), the benefits of lasting longer, and how you can start to work towards controlling your ejaculation (for the right reasons).

Why we’re so obsessed with lasting longer in bed. 

As a culture, this idea of lasting a ~super long time~ in the sack is part of the social narrative, but should it be?

People with penises are always after the secret recipe that will let them hang in there before they reach the point of no return. It’s not particularly shocking. We live in a culture that is indoctrinated into the idea that penises are the most important part of sex and the only real sex there is is PIV intercourse. 

This is why lasting longer in bed is necessary: If PIV intercourse is the only sex you have, you need to learn to last longer because, well, the penis is the star of the show.

Additionally, research from the the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2019 found that it takes vulva-owners an average of 13.41 minutes to orgasm during PIV intercourse. By comparison, the average penis-owner typically finishes in between 5 and 7 seven minutes. "So there's this idea that if you last longer, you're more likely to make your female partner orgasm," says Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. But this data can be misleading because research has found that only about 18 percent of female-bodied people orgasm through penetration alone.

The benefits of lasting longer in bed.

People with clitorises need more time to get aroused and come to climax than male-bodied people — generally speaking.

When a person with a penis can last longer in bed, it means that it gives their partner a lot more time to get fully aroused and into the play. This is necessary for satisfying experiences. "It's not about ticking off all the sex positions like on a scorecard, it's so that you can both really get into it, drop into a different headspace, and let your arousal build," says Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

Rowett says that it’s good for the penis-owner, as well. Lasting longer "means that the penis-owner isn't worrying about ejaculating too soon, and can focus more on feeling pleasure and on giving his partner pleasure, too."

So it isn’t about being able to jackhammer someone into oblivion for 500 hours a night. It’s about giving yourself the time and space to explore sex fully — and in ways that pleases everyone involved. Play adds that "there's no ‘normal’ amount of time that a person should last in bed. Everyone's different, and what's most important is that both partners are satisfied with the amount of time spent in the act."

5 expert-approved ways to last longer in bed.

Take penetration off the table. 

Or, at the very least, give plenty of time and attention to other sex acts. When we take pressure off the penis, we can all enjoy sex more. Focus on oral sex, hand sex, and toys. Get experimental with it. 

"Peak sexual experiences involve physical, emotional, and psychological artistry," Play tells us. "When you recognize that penetrative sex is just one of the many ways you can bring your partner pleasure, you open up a wealth of new possibilities for giving your partner the best sex [they’ve] ever had."

Practice edging.

Edging is a practice wherein you bring yourself close to orgasm — and then stop all sensation. You wait for the erection to go down again and begin stimulating again. You repeat this about three times. On the third or fourth time, try bringing yourself right up to the point of no return (meaning, when you can’t stop from climaxing), then stop. Next time, go all the way.

"This can help train you and your body to better control your orgasms," Zane says. "You'll also have a better sense of where your point of no return is during sex, so while you're having sex, you can stop, take a few breaths, control your arousal, and then go back to having sex."

Rowett says you can utilize an "emergency brake" system to help master this technique. When you get close to orgasm, "either squeeze the head of your penis and take some deep breaths in and out of your belly, or press your perineum and take some deep breaths in and out of your belly." This can help to keep you from going over the edge. 

Try thicker condoms. 

Who knew condoms could be used to make sex better, not just safer? "Usually, penis-owners want the thinnest condoms they can find for that ‘feels like nothing is there’ sensation, but if you feel you are ejaculating too quickly, it's actually good to get a thick condom," Zane says. Having a thicker condom can dull sensation slightly, allowing you to feel more in-control.

However, Play also warns us to never use two condoms at once. "Using two condoms makes it more likely that both of them will break," he says. HARD pass.

Durex condoms tend to have a thicker texture than other brands.

Build awareness in the body.

Contrary to popular belief, pulling attention away from the body during sex does not help with ejaculatory response. It actually weakens control. Awareness of your body is the true key to control of your ejaculation.

Before you have sex, start with breathing. Pay attention to what you’re feeling in your body while breathing deeply in and out. 

Then, start to touch your penis, bring your awareness to it and lean into the sensations you’re experiencing. Make mental notes about how you felt when you were getting close to that 'point of no return.' The more you bring awareness to your sensations, the more in control you’ll feel.

Remember that this is a practice and will take time to master.

Train your erections with exercise.

While there isn’t much scientific data or research studies on the use of toys to improve ejaculatory control, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence to support their use. Specifically, the FirmTech has the potential to revolutionize treatment for premature ejaculation. 

This smart erection ring is worn during sex to track the duration of erections and their firmness. You can also wear it overnight — where it can track the number of nocturnal erections, which can indicate vascular health. If you’re looking for a high-tech option, this could be it.

If you’re looking for device-free training, Rowett suggests doing kegels. This is when you squeeze the muscles of the pelvic floor in order to make them stronger. This can help you feel more in-control.