I’m a psychotherapist and here’s how to safely leave a toxic relationship for good

EVERY relationship has its ups and downs, but if you’re in one where the downs seem to always eclipse the ups, it might be time to call it quits.

Shockingly, one in four women and one in six men will experience domestic abuse at some point, be it emotional or physical. (According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence)

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And, according to the Mental Health Foundation, living in conflict or being in a toxic relationship is more damaging to your health than being alone.

And it doesn’t have to be romantic relationship – It could be a friend, family member or work colleague who’s draining your happiness, or worse. 

Not sure how to detach from those who are doing you more harm than good?

Our expert reveals how to spot a destructive relationship and what to do next…

ARE YOU IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?

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Toxicity can creep up gradually without you realising.

Psychotherapist and mindset coach Ella McCrystal says some of the signs you’re in a toxic relationship can include: 

• Constant unhappiness or a feeling of walking on eggshells.
• Negative shifts or a dramatic decline in your mental health, self-worth or self-esteem.
• Feeling that you are investing a lot of time and emotion in a relationship and getting little back in return.

Red flags include:

• If someone is possessive and discourages you from going out with your friends.
• If you feel personally attacked and/or devalued by them.
• If they put your personality, values or physical appearance under a microscope.
• They use technology to control you. For example, they track your location or ask you to take pictures to prove where you are.
• Your friends and/or family dislike or distrust them.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

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You may not experience all these signs, but if your social and work life is suffering because it’s difficult to concentrate on much besides your relationship, you need to think about what happens next.

Be prepared that removing yourself may be a delicate and stressful experience, but it is doable. 

“They will try to stamp on your boundaries, confuse you or devalue your needs,” warns Ella.

“Be prepared to listen to the voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. Your gut instinct is rarely wrong.”

Think it could just be a bad spell that will improve between you?

“There are times when any type of relationship can go through a rough patch, but  when we employ good communication and some introspection, we can bring the relationship back on track,” says Ella.

“That being said, although conflicts and disagreements are a part of all relationships, if trust and safety are compromised, that’s very concerning.”

PREPARE TO LEAVE

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It’s easier said than done to turn your back on a relationship – personal or professional – especially one you might have stuck at for a while, even if it’s making you unhappy.

“Humans are complex and our bodies and minds like familiarity. This can keep us in situations that are bad for our health,” says Ella.

“Leaving a toxic relationship can be very hard, because of all the emotional effort and time you’ve spent trying to make things work.

“Some people feel like a failure, or that by leaving, they are giving up.

“It’s important to recognise all the advantages of ending a toxic relationship and to focus on this new opportunity to find a relationship that will fulfil you.”

Ending something can feel overwhelming, so break it down into these manageable stages…

Step 1: Decide to leave

“Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you are in a toxic relationship,” says Ella.

“This can be difficult, but it’s important to be frank with yourself.”

Step 2: Build a plan of action

“Finding a new place to live, getting a new job or setting boundaries with the toxic person is easier when you have timed, achievable steps to follow,” says Ella.

Set yourself a time frame in which to make the break or have the tricky conversation about how you want things to change, and make sure you have a place to stay or a job lined up if needs be.

Having a certain amount of savings is helpful, too, if possible.

Charities such as Refuge can support you to leave a situation that involves domestic abuse, while Citizens Advice offers housing and job advice, so consult them in advance of leaving. 

Step 3: Fire up your support system

“It’s important to have support in place. This could be friends, family or a therapist.

“And have a safety plan sorted if you’re leaving a relationship that could become dangerous,” says Ella.

Always let someone know where you’ll be when you break things off.

If the toxicity is stemming from a colleague, consider turning to your company’s HR team.

“They can help you navigate the situation and make sure you’re protected,” says Ella. 

Step 4: Look after yourself

“Leaving a toxic relationship can be stressful and emotionally taxing.

Eat well, get enough sleep and practise self-care, like getting regular exercise,” advises Ella.

TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL

Choose somewhere you feel safe – perhaps a public space – to tell the person that you’re leaving or that things need to change.

“Use ‘I’ statements to explain how their behaviour affects you. For example: ‘I feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice,’” says Ella.

Let them know there are things you won’t accept. Be firm, but respectful.  

BEFORE THINGS GET TOO DEEP

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“It’s best to step away before you get too attached,” says Ella. Be wise to these early signs of toxic behaviour… 

1. You are blamed for the negative feelings or circumstances in their life. 
2. You’re wrong and they’re right all the time.
3. They disregard your boundaries.
4. They are habitually dishonest.
5. They don’t apologise.
6. They revel in being the victim.
7. They refuse to listen to you.
8. They are very critical of others.
9. They make you feel defensive about your decisions.
10. They have no interest in what’s important to you.