I’m a sex therapist & have the answer to cure men’s bedroom problems, including the issue that gets everyone eventually
MEN all over Britain are suffering from the MANopause – losing their libidos and their confidence in bed, with 47 per cent saying they are happy in a relationship with little or no sex.
A survey by male mag GQ revealed that a quarter of men would rather hit the gym or make money than make time for sex and romance, while 35 per cent say spending time with friends and family is more important.
As shocking as it may be to many who believe the cliche that men think of little else, this revelation is no surprise to me.
When I talk to men who are seeking help, low confidence in the bedroom is a very common thing.
They feel they don’t know what to do and worry they are not good in bed, comparing themselves to imaginary ex-partners and fearing they don’t last long enough, or that size matters.
And as well as sexual intimacy, men also struggle with dating.
On some dating apps men outnumber women ten to one, and in general, we’re not very good at creating a great online profile.
But don’t worry, guys – just follow my tips below and you can get back your bedroom bravado at any age . . .
Keep the passion going
MAINTAINING a passionate relationship is all about communication.
What fantasies do you each have? What style of sex do you like? What flavour?
If vanilla sex is for both of you, it’s a beautiful way to connect but some people want something more spontaneous.
Others want to use toys or experiment with parties or swinging.
The only way to find out what your partner wants is to ask questions and listen – and don’t judge.
Don’t hear ‘I’m not good enough’ if your partner wants to go to a sex party.
You are only talking about it in the beginning; you might not do it and, if you do, you might want to play with each other and not others.
It’s all about finding out what you both like.
Try not to be angry, defensive or assertive about the dreams and desires of your partner.
If you’re suffering sexual anxiety, come up with a plan together that works for both of you.
Talk to your partner if you’re worried about, say, ejaculating too quickly.
It might be that you decide to be intimate for a while without full sex.
Sometimes it’s useful to take penetration off the table and focus on really connecting with each other physically and – again – slowing everything down.
Don’t worry about sex
THIS doesn’t just happen in new relationships and the topic is something I am regularly asked about.
It can be triggered by worries such as pleasing a partner, lasting long enough, size and body image.
The most important thing is to first identify this is what is happening as sexual anxiety often goes unnoticed.
People don’t always realise they are anxious or stressed about sex.
Practise deep breathing before and during intimacy.
I recommend heart coherence breathing; breathing in for five and a half seconds and then out for the same.
Just talking about it can have a big impact, either with your partner or someone else.
I’ve had clients who, just from conversations, have gone away and have less anxiety because talking has removed the concern and shame.
Book a session with a sex therapist, find a men’s group or a compassionate friend to talk to about your worries.
During intimacy, slow it right down.
Slow down touch, slow down how things are progressing from kissing to taking off clothes to penetration.
Don’t rush because hurrying causes more anxiety and makes things worse.
Indulge in massage, kissing and stroking because when we’re in moments of pleasure anxiety tends to disappear.
Remember that sex isn’t just about the ending – you can have a wonderful experience without the orgasm.
It’s important to know the sexual confidence can be developed over time.
Don’t compare sex with porn
A LOT of men watch porn and consciously or unconsciously think that’s what sex is about.
That’s like watching The Fast and the Furious and using it as a guide to driving lessons.
I’m not saying don’t watch porn if that’s your thing, but just be aware that it’s often just not realistic.
A YouGov poll last year found that a third of men watch porn – that’s a lot of people who might be playing the comparison game.
If you worry you’re not as good as your partner’s ex you’re going to be examining the best of them on social media or whatever and comparing it to the worst of you.
That’s not a real comparison.
If you fear he was better than you at sex, ask yourself how true this assumption is.
What evidence do you have that they were great in bed and left your partner satisfied every time.
The likelihood is, none.
Remember that.
Don’t let it get boring
AS people get older, things such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and the menopause can get in the way of our sex lives.
Or we might just be bored.
Staying in good health is really important for sex.
Stress, anxiety, smoking, excess drinking, a hectic lifestyle with kids and work can all impact intimacy.
Be sure to get enough exercise.
I often send my clients a 15-minute yoga video that helps stretch the hips, because it improves blood flow to the penis.
Meditation can calm the mind and help lower stress.
If you’ve been married a long time and have lost interest, it’s often because sex is the same every time.
I was on a retreat where one guy said he always wanted sex a certain way but hadn’t realised his partner didn’t.
I told him to imagine his wife served him the same pizza every day for 20 years, and would he still want to eat it?
Think about seducing your partner to make them feel loved and cared for, go for dates in places that were special to you when you were first dating.
Remember, our sexual preferences change over time.
For women, many in their mid-20s are timid about sex, but by their 40s and 50s are more confident.
It might be that she wants to take more control.
If your partner is going through the menopause ask them how they feel, what emotions they are going through, what physical and sexual changes are shifting.
Maybe they desire closeness rather than penetrative sex.
Maybe they are more confident and want to take the lead or maybe they are tired and just want to lie in bed and have their hair brushed or have a massage.
It’s all about the quality of attention you give them.
If you have a medical condition causing dysfunction, there’s nothing wrong with Viagra, especially if it restarts your sex life.
Even so, try to add in exercising and looking after yourself, as this might be the underlying issue.
But if you need Viagra, take it!
MY VIEW BY ULRIKA JONSSON
IN the interest of equality, I made it my duty years ago to find out if there was such a thing as the MANopause.
And, of course, there is!
For some men in their late 40s to early 50s it presents as depression, a loss of sex-drive, erectile dysfunction and other physical and emotional symptoms.
Not to mention mood swings.
And to think we all thought that was the women’s department.
While men are boasting about having lots of slap and tickle, it’s always been women who’ve chosen the honesty route and confided in friends when things aren’t quite as they should be in the bedroom.
So, guys, if you find yourself in that “mature” age bracket and identify with any of the above, know this: You need to take a chill pill,stop comparing yourselves to porn stars or even the younger generation.
Instead, embrace your Dad Bods.
Don’t pretend you can keep your engine revved all night long when in actual fact you might struggle to even get it going witha jump start.
Try to breathe and take the pressure off.
Sex is meant to be enjoyable – a bit like when you were super young and were fumbling around to find all the gears.
Calm down, dears. It’s only the Manopause.