I got married at 19 and was widowed at 42. It took me 4 years to rediscover sexual pleasure after my husband died.
Courtesy of the author
- When I felt ready to move on with my sex life after my husband died, I faced feelings of betrayal.
- Coping with sexual bereavement as a young widow was an immensely challenging experience.
- I learned that experiencing intimacy after loss is possible with the right support.
Losing a life partner is an unimaginable experience that can leave you feeling lost and invisible.
And that's exactly how I felt when I became a widow at 42. Tony and I married when I was just 19, and losing my partner — who had been with me for more than half my life — felt like losing a part of myself.
Grief was a lonely road. But sexual bereavement was a whole new kind of struggle. Sexual bereavement — the term used to describe the grief I felt because I missed sexual intimacy with Tony — is often associated with older adults.
Yet, for four years after Tony's death, unaddressed sexual bereavement kept me from moving on. As a young widow, I felt like a stranger to myself.
Sexual bereavement impacts people of all ages
Many people believe that sexual bereavement only affects older adults. After all, older adults tend to experience the loss of their long-term partners more often than younger individuals.
But this is a common misconception. And this realization hit me hard.
After Tony died, well-meaning friends and family members encouraged me to start a new chapter in my life. But I resisted the pressure to do so until I was confident in my own healing process.
When I finally felt ready to engage in intimacy, I was unprepared for the overwhelming wave of guilt and shame that consumed me.
Sex felt like a betrayal to Tony, and I grappled with my conflicted emotions. Feelings of grief and loss made it difficult to be present in the moment. I struggled to feel a sense of normalcy in something as simple as physical touch.
Rediscovering sexual pleasure after loss
In grieving the loss of a loved one, sex can easily take a backseat. But eventually, the desire for intimacy may resurface. And there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to dealing with sexual bereavement.
Sometimes it can feel like experiencing sexual pleasure after such a profound loss is disrespectful or taboo. "Give yourself permission and time to adjust to many different stressors that happen as a result of the death," Beatty Cohan, a psychotherapist and sex therapist, told Insider.
Cohan notes that it's important to communicate your feelings and concerns with potential partners. Going from a long-term relationship to a brand-new one takes some getting used to. "It's not like you turn on a light switch, and you're sexually in tune. Hopefully, you have chosen a partner who is empathetic, supportive, and understanding," Cohan said.
Still, some people may choose not to have sex after their partner dies, and it's important not to judge them or assume they have sexual dysfunction or that something is 'wrong' with them, says Cohan.
"If someone is interested in sex with themselves or a partner(s), and they can't understand what's getting in the way of their interest or desire, that's the time to reach out and ask for help and figure out what's going on and what to do," Cohan said.
Not only that, but Cohan cautions it's important to consider the impact of mental health, hormone imbalances, the side effects of medications, and physical issues on our sexual desires.
Young widows, you're not alone
For me, sexual bereavement lasted for years. I didn't know what it was, felt isolated, and didn't seek help soon enough.
Rediscovering sexual pleasure after the loss of a spouse can be intimidating. It's up to you to decide whether you're ready for intimacy. Allow yourself ample time and space to heal and show yourself kindness and understanding along the way.
Maggie Aime, BSN, RN is a freelance health, wellness, and medical personal finance writer. She earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing from the University of Central Florida. Read more about her work at www.thewritern.com.