Perils Of Tech Addiction: Teens Now Spend 98% Less Time Driving Around Drunk In Corn Fields While Blasting Quiet Riot Than In The ‘80s
As if we needed any more proof that excessive smartphone use is unhealthy for kids, new research has laid bare the very real consequences of our screen-addicted society: A study found that teens now spend 98 percent less time driving around drunk in corn fields while blasting Quiet Riot than they did in the ‘80s.
Yikes. Technology is clearly having a devastating impact on children.
A new study by researchers at Rutgers University compared how often today’s teens reported getting wasted on Blatz and ripping it up in corn fields while cranking Quiet Riot to how often teens did in the ‘80s. While teenagers in the ‘80s averaged five hours a month doing burnouts while shitfaced in muddy-ass corn fields with “Metal Health” cranked, today’s teens reported hardly doing that at all. The study also found a dramatic decrease in time today’s teens spend participating in similar activities such as shooting out headlights with BB guns at the scrapyard, giving one another shitty tattoos of pot leaves, lighting ponds on fire with gasoline, and stealing cigarettes from Kmart.
“We’ve known for years about the negative impact of screen addiction on children, but this data highlighting the drastic generational drop-off in kids blasting ‘Cum On Feel The Noize’ while drunkenly mowing down stalks of corn gives us a grim new understanding of just how damaging devices can be to young people’s mental and emotional development,” said lead researcher Allison Lee. “And it’s not just maniacally barreling through corn fields in their mom’s sedan that they’re missing out on. An alarmingly high percentage of today’s kids have never even hidden a soggy stack of Hustlers and a bong in the woods along the railroad tracks or huffed model glue while carving Mötley Crüe lyrics into their arms with a razor. If these worrying trends continue, it might not be long before smartphones have robbed an entire generation of pivotal formative experiences like getting fucked-up on half-frozen Burnett’s peach vodka and Sprite in a friend’s garage before heading out for a night of high-speed hellraising with the windows down and the opening guitar part of Van Halen’s ‘Eruption’ blaring at max volume.”
“Instead of critical social milestones like ganging up on dweebs to dunk their heads in toilets and breaking into abandoned houses to make out with freshman girls, today’s teens are largely spending their time chatting with friends on their phones and watching videos about things they’re interested in—and this should make parents very worried,” Lee continued. “The loss of these crucial childhood experiences has undoubtedly fueled the extreme increase in anxiety and depression we’ve observed in teens over the past decade.”
Depressing. This should be all the proof you need that kids shouldn’t have smartphones.
Imagine growing up without even once experiencing the magic of blasting Twisted Sister in your Trans Am with the sunroof open while going 60 through seven-foot stalks of corn and nursing your sixth Leinenkugel’s of the night. Sadly, that’s the reality most of today’s teenagers are living in. It’s disturbing to say the least, and unless parents can find a way to better manage their kids’ relationships with technology, we might just have to resign ourselves to the fact that children will no longer have real childhoods shaped by the destruction of private property and hair metal.