Harriette Cole: My husband just died, and my neighbor made a bothersome request
DEAR HARRIETTE: For many years, my husband watered my next-door neighbor’s plants whenever she traveled. He was the one with the green thumb in my house, and he loved it.
My husband recently passed away. I am managing pretty well — all things considered. But wouldn’t you know it, my neighbor stopped by the other day to ask if I would take up my husband’s role of watering her plants when she travels.
My answer is a clear and simple no. I told her no 20 years ago. I don’t even water the plants in my own house. Why would I want to water hers?
I know it made her feel special to have my husband come and tend to her, but I do not want to do that.
How can I get her to stop pestering me about this? I have nothing against her. I just don’t plan on watering her plants. I have hired someone to do that for me.
Not a Gardener
DEAR NOT A GARDENER: Why not consider starting a new tradition? Invite your neighbor over for tea.
Create a time when you can socialize briefly with her. You remain in control of the circumstances, and you do not have to deal with her plants. It will give the two of you a chance to interact, which may be enjoyable for both of you.
During a visit, you can tell her that since your husband is gone, you have hired someone to take care of your plants. Perhaps she would like that person’s number?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was really upset with my husband a couple of weeks ago, and I called my friends and even my attorney to say, “This is it. I’m done.” I was that mad.
Yes, I have been that mad before, but I felt like I was at my wit’s end.
Now, several weeks later, we are still together.
We did have a talk of sorts. I laid out my grievances for the gazillionth time, but he seemed to listen a little better this time. He has made a few efforts to be better.
The bottom line is that I haven’t done anything in terms of legal action. It feels like we are working on things, for now anyway.
How do I manage my friends’ expectations when I’m in this repair mode? All they remember is me screaming and hollering that I was ready to go.
About-Face
DEAR ABOUT-FACE: The problem with telling people your business is that you have to manage it afterward.
You can do it. Tell your friends that you and your husband have reconciled. Share that you had a heart-to-heart with him, and it feels like things are moving in a positive direction. Thank them for their support, and ask for them to continue to have your back as you live your life.
Do your best not to give them blow-by-blows of what happens next. Instead, try to work it out directly with your husband. After all, that is the relationship that is in peril.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.