I used makeup to hide my vasculitis. When I stopped, my skin started to feel better.

• I have vasculitis, an autoimmune disorder that causes my blood vessels to get inflamed. 
• This leaves me with painful lessons in my body, dark circles in my eyes, and swollen face and feet. 
• I wore makeup to hide my condition, and when I stopped, my skin got slightly better. 

Painful red and purple lesions on my arms and legs. Dark circles under my eyes. Swelling in my face and on my feet. These are some ways in which my vasculitis, an autoimmune disorder that causes blood vessels to become inflamed, visibly manifests itself in my body.

In the grueling year and a half leading up to my chronic illness diagnosis and some time after, I used an endless amount of makeup to cover these signs that I was physically unwell. There was something very wrong with my health, a painful mystery affecting every day of my life.  Not everyone needed to know that. 

Covering my skin made it feel like burning

I felt this pressure to hide the fact that I was very sick from strangers and people I barely knew. I used a massive amount of cheap concealer from the pharmacy to try and hide my hives and how tired I must have looked to everyone around me. Perhaps I physically looked better to people passing me on the street, but the makeup made my skin feel like it was burning even more. Being diagnosed with a rare disease a year and a half after debilitating symptoms began meant I could not easily find people who shared the same experiences as me. 

Research has shown that people with skin manifestations of health conditions often face stigma. This stigma shaped how I presented myself and, on some days, even if I wanted to leave my apartment. I didn't want people to stare at me. I didn't want people's judgmental looks to make me feel worse than I already did. Then, as COVID-19 hit the United States, and I was stuck inside, I came to a realization: I no longer cared about mustering the energy together to no longer look sick. I could use the very little energy I have — severe fatigue is a common symptom of vasculitis — for other parts of my life. 

I trashed my makeup

Besides some eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara, the rest of the makeup went into my trash. While some chronically ill people may like wearing makeup as a form of self-expression, I wore mine to hide. I had always been more of a "clothes to express myself" person. The culprit of this was me being a costume designer for my high school theater company. While my clothes have pretty much been the same since I developed vasculitis, I also stopped wearing high heels. 

Besides the dark circle under my eyes, the rest of the noticeable physical symptoms of vasculitis come and go in waves. My way of coping with that, through trying to hide them, did not have to be. Especially a coping mechanism that created more problems for my symptoms. 

While my shift in how I viewed my appearance was dramatic for me, in some ways, I am still following the norms of society. An April 2022 study from the consulting company Kantar found that weekly makeup usage dropped by 28% from 2019 to 2022. People have varying reasons for wearing less makeup. Maybe the cost of buying the latest celebrity-endorsed makeup kit is too expensive. Or masks ruin our lipstick anyway, so what's the point.

My initial reaction to cling to attempting to disguise my skin's problems also came from the fact that no one tells you how to properly live a life with chronic illness after you're diagnosed. Some people expect you never to mention it again. But that's somewhat impossible if your chronic illness is visible, either all the time or part of the time. 

Ironically, in my attempt to not care about the skin manifestations of my vasculitis, it actually got a bit more under control. Turns out putting a boatload of cheap concealer on hives was indeed not a good idea. These changes came in conjunction with medication management. Twice a day, I take a medication called colchicine, which is traditionally used for treating chronic gout, but it also helps with some forms of vasculitis. Some symptoms – including chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and brain fog — accompany me on a daily basis. But at least my skin does not feel like it is burning.