I married a man with kids. Here's what I wished I had done before I said 'I do.'

• When I married my husband, he had to go to custody court to get primary custody of his kids. 
• Within two months of getting married I was a full time stepmom. 
• I suggest people know their state's child support laws, since they can come after your income. 

When I married my now-husband, he already had a son. I was quite naive as to what to expect. As a custodial stepmom, here are some of the things I wish I would've known prior to marrying a man with kids.

Make sure custody is legally documented

When we married, my husband went to custody court, and it ended with him being awarded primary physical custody. Even if this were not the outcome, it would've been worth it to have legal documentation of the custody arrangement. While it did not prevent all custody-related issues, I believe it minimized the occurrence of them drastically. 

It did not solve hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or immaturity. It also could not force all adults lay aside their egos and keep the best interests of the child as the main focus. And while a legal custody agreement can hold parents responsible for their actions, it can't necessarily hold extended family and friends for theirs. 

Everyone has to be on the same page and willing to do what's best for the child involved.

I know the child support laws in my state 

I wish I would have known that the child support laws were not as cut and dry. 

In some States, a spouse's income can be taken into consideration for determining child support. It's possible that someone could have to pay more in child support because of their spouse's income. On the flip side, this also can affect how much child support is received if the co-parent is married. 

Creating a blended family with my husband, I was unaware of any of this. I wish I had known upfront what to expect and the potential impact on our overall financial picture. I believe children should be equitably supported financially by both parents, but a spouse's finances should be left out of it. In my State, they don't consider the spouse's income for determining child support.

I decided what my role would be as a stepmom

I became a full-time custodial stepmom within two months of being married. I had all of the responsibilities of mothering without any legal rights. While at the same time navigating this delicate balance not to usurp my bonus son's biological mother's role in his life and giving birth to four children of my own.

There were unspoken expectations of me, yet also outspoken non-sensical expectations that left no room for our family actually to blend. Thankfully, my husband established boundaries that would help to create an environment for our family to thrive.

However, the best thing I did was to take control and decide what my role would be instead of worrying about who would take issue with my role. At the end of the day, my bonus son and my four children needed love, nurturing, and support. It was my job to provide that to them to the best of my ability and let the chips fall where they may. 

A blended family can be a beautiful thing, and it is. You just want to make sure you don't go into it blindsided. Do your research. Know more about what you're getting into. Let love win.