I’ll answer call to be Minister for Abolishing Wokery with pleasure – here’s my 20-point plan to cure UK of this virus
‘I loudly applaud Piers Morgan’s Uncensored article in Tuesday’s Sun,’ read a letter to the editor written by Rosemary Hewett from Northants.
‘Piers should be named Minister for abolishing wokery. It has no place in the UK, or anywhere else. I feel this woke epidemic, is causing the severe stress levels people are experiencing today.’
Rosemary’s plea, which came after I praised the late, great Barry Humphries and Len Goodman for being straight-talking common sense antidotes to the woke brigade, was published in the Sun letters’ page today and got me thinking.
What if I was indeed appointed Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s new minister for abolishing wokery?
What would my woke-ending manifesto look like?
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How would I single-handedly restore Britain to its former glorious non-woke self?
Well, here’s my 20-point blueprint to cure the UK of what Elon Musk dubbed the woke virus:
1. All ‘preferred personal pronouns’ banned with immediate effect. They’re pointless, confusing, and annoying. People caught using one would be sentenced to 500 hours community service watching Sam ‘he/they/person/whatever’ Smith videos.
2. Anyone incapable of defining a woman as an ‘adult human female’ permanently barred from holding any form of public office.
3. Uniformed police officers caught dancing or holding hands with the public, or wearing virtue-signalling armbands or hats, to be sent on six-month secondment to patrol Tottenham Hotspur matches, home and away – or they can opt for summary execution, if preferable.
4, Cancel culture will be cancelled, by law. The only exception will be for The Guardian newspaper which will be closed as punishment for their founder being a slave-owner. Of course, their staff are so insufferably woke that they’d actually celebrate being cancelled to assuage their terrible guilt and shame.
5. On the subject of slave-owners, reparations based on slavery crimes committed centuries ago will be prohibited. Why should modern day taxpayers who had nothing to do with slavery, and abhor it, pay money to people who didn’t personally suffer from it? It achieves nothing but fuel more racial division.
6. Publishing house staff who try to ‘revise’ classic books in English literature to make them ‘less offensive’ will be made to work exclusively on editing Katie Price’s next ten volumes of autobiography.
7. All trans women athletes will be prohibited from competing against biological females in any sport. They can either compete against biological men, or in a new category of their own. Enough of this unfair assault on women’s rights.
8. Universities who de-platform speakers because snowflake students bleat about feeling ‘unsafe’ will have all government funding removed.
9. Safe spaces in offices will be banned. Ironically, they creep me out.
10. Vegan and vegetarian food firms will be stopped from using meat language to sell their products. No more ‘vegan sausage rolls’ for you, my pasty-faced, green-haired chums. Market your tasteless gruel as actual tasteless gruel, then see how you get on.
11. Cultural appropriation, wokery’s most absurd phenomenon, will be made mandatory. Every British citizen will be obliged to post a photo of themselves copying or mimicking another country’s fashion, food or speaking style, at least once a year, and it will be renamed ‘cultural sharing and celebration.’
12. I will issue formal sanctions on all the treacherous, deluded, entitled Harry Potter stars like Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson who’ve been chucking women-defending JK Rowling on the woke bonfire, and seize back every one of the many millions the loathsome little hypocrites have all made from Rowling’s writing.
13. Airline crew departing from Britain will be legally required to revert back to announcing ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ when addressing passengers, out of respect for the 99% of passengers who actually like to be called either ‘Ladies’ or ‘Gentlemen.’
14. Similarly, spineless NHS managers will be instructed to call female patients ‘women’ not ‘people who menstruate’ and pregnant females ‘mothers’ not bloody ‘birthing parents.’ Or the managers will find themselves being called ‘Jobless persons.’ The bonkers gender-neutral war on language stops here.
15. I will make it illegal for any employer to force employees to wear a virtue-signalling emblem or perform an act like taking the knee in support of ANY cause. It will be entirely personal choice.
16. The makers of the James Bond movie franchise will be state-ordered to stop his current descent into an over-emotional humourless blubbing mess who doesn’t smoke, barely drinks and has the seductive skills of a bashful asexual monk – and return 007 to his rightful louche, dangerous, devilishly charming, heartless, womanising, hard-boozing assassin self.
17. Eco-warriors like the Just Stop Oil protestors who wreck ordinary people’s lives as they try to get to work or enjoy things like the snooker, will be sentenced to 100 days hard labour working in Lord Sugar’s office and being forced to listen to his ‘witty banter’ for 16 hours a day. Trust me, they won’t be chucking any orange paint around after that.
18. Critical race theory, an increasingly divisive educational sneeze we’ve caught from America’s racism-obsessed cold, will be banned from schools. Instead, those who support it like Diane ‘Jews only get prejudice like redheads’ Abbott will be given personal tutorials on the history of the Nazi Party.
19. Anyone who defaces Winston Churchill’s statue will be instantly deported. If you can’t respect someone who saved this country’s freedom from the Nazis, because some spotty woke twerp on Twitter told you he was an evil monster, you don’t deserve to live here.
20. Harry and Meghan will have their UK passports/visas revoked indefinitely, for the sake of their mental health and ours. They’re lucky I don’t push for them to be tried for treason.