We’re Cleaning House: If You Don’t Meet These 12 Criteria For Following ClickHole, Unfollow Us Right Now

Here at ClickHole, we’ve got a lot of followers across the various social media platforms, but frankly, some of you are kind of a drag. We work hard to put out new content every day, and it can be a bummer to waste it on people who don’t really bring anything to the table. So please familiarize yourself with these basic criteria for following ClickHole. If you check off all the boxes, great, we’re happy to have you. If not, unfollow and fuck off.   

1. You must dress modestly: If your outfit isn’t something you’d wear to church, then you shouldn’t wear it to read ClickHole. Period.

2. No Draculas: If you’ve got pointy-ass teeth and think it’s cool to suck people’s blood, keep it moving.

3. You must have TSA PreCheck: It is embarrassing for us when our followers read our website while languishing in an hour-long airport security line. Sign up for PreCheck or unfollow.

4. If you are Dr. Anthony Fauci, you’re out: Sir, the pandemic isn’t over. The virus is evolving. What the hell are you doing browsing the Internet?

5. You must occasionally leave comments saying things like “Cool content!” or “Neat content!”: Your encouragement means everything to us, and knowing we’ve posted something that made you smile is what keeps us going.

6. Must have a tattoo of an ankle on your neck: We love badass tats, and nothing is cooler than broadcasting your love of one body part with a tattoo on another.

7. Shaved pubes or jungle pubes, no middle ground: Look, we only like smooth skin or a fucking rainforest down there, none of this “trimmed but natural” bullshit.

8. Farmers are allowed, but will be made to feel unwelcome: Technically we do allow farmers to follow ClickHole, but we aren’t going to make it easy for you. We’re going to pick on you for your bib overalls, for chewing on a sprig of hay, and for the way your crops smell like manure. So if you’re sensitive to bullying, maybe try following Cracked.com or something, where you yokels will be welcomed with open arms.

9. You must never, ever refer to testicles as “quinoas”: It shouldn’t need to be said, but sadly, it’s become an issue. If you insist on referring to testicles as quinoas anyway, fine. Just don’t be following our page when you do. 

10. You must have your full set of wisdom teeth, your tonsils, and your appendix intact: This isn’t a website for mutants. If you’re going to read ClickHole, please have all your body parts.

11. You must not be bleeding really bad: If you are bleeding really bad, please unfollow ClickHole and go see a healer immediately.

12. Must be sexy: This one should be obvious.