[REFLECTION] The love of an anxious person

Father Ro Atilano, a Jesuit priest, delivered this homily on Tuesday, May 9, based on the day’s Gospel reading, John 14:27-31a. We have republished this with his permission.

Are you a worrier?

I am.

I was.

Well, I think I still am to some extent.

In fact, I came from a family of worriers. Oh, we loved to worry about everything. It was a family hobby, I guess. My mom would worry about me not taking my breakfast. My kuya would be anxious about his 17-year-old son being late for home after 15 minutes. My sister would double-check, or triple-check, whether the main house door has been securely locked before going to bed or if the flat iron has been properly unplugged. Oh, if there were some bad news in the family, we were very careful in telling the news to one another, otherwise, one of us would surely pass out. There were even times when I would find myself worried when I was no longer worried. Pathetic, right?

Here’s more: Every time I encountered that story of Jesus visiting the house of Mary and Martha and then Our Lord praising Mary for having chosen the better part of staying at his feet while Martha was busy preparing lunch for them, I felt sad and sorry for Martha. Don’t you?

But after entering the Society of Jesus and undergoing some required formation and counseling sessions, I discovered where my habit of worrying was coming from.

You see I lost my dad from a tragic accident when I was six; my mom had to work in the nearby factory to feed her four children; my older brothers had to stop going to school and needed to work to help the family. As a child, I became insecure. I suffered from low self-esteem. So, I grew up desperately wanting to find security for my loved ones and for myself. In the process, I became an anxious person.

Although much healing has already happened over the years, thanks to the rigorous and thorough Jesuit psycho-spiritual formation, I realized that the root cause of the chronic anxiety of every worrier in this world is the fear of losing the love and affection of the beloved, or, to put it more straightforwardly, losing a loved one.

That is why every anxious person would do everything to make sure that his or her beloved is secure, safe, and happy. Anxious people are hardworking; they do everything in their strength to provide what is best for the persons they love. They have no time to pretend; they don’t even have time for themselves because they know how short life is. That is why they seem to be always in a hurry. Anxious people are also faithful because they already knew what it is to grieve and to lose someone they love. This is why they make sure not to do to someone what has already harmed them. Their love language is service. They are not perfect, in fact they always think that their loving is not enough, but the love of an anxious person is always sincere.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus reminds his disciples, “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” He wanted to console his disciples who became anxious after being told about His passion and death on the cross. The disciples were afraid about losing Jesus, their Lord and Master, whom they have fallen in love with. Jesus reminds them not be anxious for He is ever with them no matter what happens.

Anxious people need to be reminded that they are not alone and that they are loved unconditionally. They need to be told that their worth is not based on what they do but on who they truly are – God’s beloved. No amount of mistake or sin can decrease God’s love for them. Just like the advice of Jesus to Martha, they need to hear that it’s okay to rest and not be perfect. It calms them down and makes them feel secure and safe.

I believe we all need to hear these words of Jesus: “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” This is because from time to time we find ourselves anxious.

During one of the lowest moments in my life, a good friend shared with me this prayer by Henri Nouwen, one of the great authors on spirituality.:

“Lord, so often, I say to myself, ‘The Lord loves me,’ but very often this truth does not enter into the center of my heart. The fact that I so easily get upset because of a disappointment, so easily angered because of a slight criticism, and so easily depressed because of a slight rejection, shows that Your love does not yet fill me. Why, otherwise, would I be so easily thrown off balance? What can people do to me, when I really know that You love me, care for me, protect me, defend me, guide me, and support me? What does a small or even a great failure mean when I know that You are with me in all sorrows and turmoil? Yet time and again, I have to confess that I have not let Your love descend fully from my mind into my heart, and that I have not let my knowing grow into a real, full knowledge that pervades all of my being.”

The reason why we fail to feel God’s unconditional and unfailing love and become anxious is because we rest our sense of self on something less than God’s love for us. Many times we unconsciously allow our self-worth to be dependent on the things that we or others do: on success, achievements, excellence, social media likes, good public image, and approval of others. Over time, we slowly forget that the Lord loves us, no matter what. That is why we can easily get desolate, frustrated, vulnerable, insecure, defensive, disturbed, and shaken. We need to admit that we have not allowed God’s love be fully interiorized in our whole being so that we can let go of all resistances that hinder us from fully experiencing it.

Whether our anxiety is chronic or not, we all need to hear these words: “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” In fact, the phrase “Be not afraid” appears 365 times in the Bible; that gives us one verse for every day of the year. Yes, somebody counted all of them. Yes, it is human to be afraid. But every time we hear God telling us otherwise, His words become an assurance that we are never alone. Then we feel secure, safe, and consoled.

So, are you a worrier?

Well, I am not anymore as anxious as I was. I have improved in this area so much. Thanks to my counselor and spiritual directors for reminding me of these words of Jesus, “Do not let your heart be troubled for I am ever with you.” But from time to time, I still find myself anxious.

We really need to be reminded of this fundamental truth everyday single day: God loves anxious people. – Rappler.com

Father Roseller “Ro” Atilano Jr. is a Jesuit priest. He is currently the associate director of Jesuit Communications. He is the author of the book, The Miracle of the Ordinary, which won the Cardinal Sin Best Book in Homiletics in 2022.