I’m a psychologist and here’s how to get everyone – from your boss to your kids – to listen to you
FEELING like no one is listening can be crushing – not to mention when someone interrupts or dismisses you.
Even worse, you might not feel able to speak up in the first place.
Two-thirds of us have felt ignored by our boss at some point, according to the Workforce Institute at UKG, while 74% feel more effective at work when listened to.
However, there are times when you have to fight to be heard.
“We all face fear of rejection every time we say something meaningful, which is why we may hold back,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Nova Cobban.
“But if you don’t make yourself heard, you’re not giving yourself permission to have your needs, wants and desires met.”
Here’s how to take the mic…
With Your Mates
We all have a strong desire to belong, which is why we might put up with certain behaviour or restrain ourselves, for fear of being ousted.
“If a friend is ploughing on with plans you don’t want to do, say: ‘We always do that, let’s try something new,’” says Nova.
“Or maybe they’re offending you in the name of ‘banter,’ in which case, say: ‘What you just said is not OK.
“‘It’s going to push us apart if you carry on.’”
The same applies if a friend often interrupts you or talks over you.
“If you are always the listener, challenge the one-sided dynamic,” adds Nova.
“Say: ‘Is this one of those times where you just want me to listen or would you like me to jump in here?’
“If it’s a good friendship, it will survive, but sometimes we do outgrow friendships, and that’s OK, too.”
At Work
Got a tricky boss who doesn’t take your suggestions on board?
Feel under pressure to stay quiet?
“We can get nervous about saying anything we feel may put our position in jeopardy, but if you show up assertively, colleagues will recognise you have something important to say and respect you for that,” says Nova.
“There’s a difference, however, between wanting to put your ideas across in a way that sparks discussion, and wanting everyone to agree with you.
“So have a clear objective about what you’re trying to achieve, but share it in a way that is collaborative rather than controlling.”
If your point is ignored, return to it. “Say: ‘I agree with you, but I would like to add…’ then reiterate your point.
“It lets people know you heard them, but gives you an opportunity to repeat yourself,” says Nova.
“As for being interrupted, say: ‘Thank you, I would just like to finish my point.’
“You’re not locking horns, so it lowers the person’s defence mechanisms.
“Or state the facts: ‘You interrupted me just then, but what I wanted to say was…’”
In Your Relationship
Find yourself repeatedly asking your partner to help with chores, or talking to the top of their head as they scroll on their phone?
“It hurts to be ignored by the person you’re supposed to be closest to. It can also lead to resentment,” says Nova, who advises talking through things in a calm environment.
“Go for a walk. You’ll both moderate your behaviour better outside in public.”
Then, state facts. “Only say exactly what happened, not what you think happened, and don’t say: ‘You made me feel…’
“Nobody can get inside your head and make you feel something – it will inflame the situation and get them thinking about themselves instead of hearing you,” continues Nova.
“To keep them focused, say: ‘I feel’ or ‘I felt’.
“And show empathy and humility: ‘I understand I need to get better at communicating with you, too,’ for example, and then state what it is that you need.
“If someone still isn’t listening, be aware something bigger could be going on, so check in and ask if everything is OK.”
With Your children
Kids are kids, so they’re not always going to listen when you ask them to tidy their room or get ready for school quickly.
But that doesn’t make the daily struggle less exhausting.
“They might not know you find something disrespectful, or they might be asserting their boundaries, so be open with them,” says Nova.
“Say: ‘It feels really disrespectful when you behave like that, is that how you mean it?’ and let them answer you. They might just need some space, or to be heard themselves.”
If you end up feeling really angry, take a step back. “No one listens during an argument, so remove yourself and try again when things are calmer,” says Nova.
“Keep to the facts, state what you need and show you’re listening.
“When your child knows you have heard them, they’re going to be more open to listening to you.
“And be a broken record, particularly with teens. If they want to go to a mate’s house but it’s not possible, say: ‘I’m sure you’d enjoy that, but I can’t take you.’
“If they push back, say: ‘Yes, it is a shame you have to miss out, but I can’t take you.’
“You are showing you have understood, but reiterating it’s not happening.”
With Your Parents
You might have your own kids and a mortgage, but that doesn’t stop your parents seeing you as their child, which can be challenging when you are trying to assert yourself as a grown-up.
If your parents often ignore or dismiss you and your decisions, don’t feel as though you have to explain yourself.
“Keep things short and sweet, non-defensive and a bit playful,” says Nova.
“If your parents tell you that the way you plan to do something isn’t how they would do it, you can reply with: ‘I know’, or: ‘I know, but I’d really like to try it this way.’ Then stop.
“Overexplaining or giving information you don’t need to – because you’re an adult and can make your own choices – feeds into the adult-child dynamic.
“You can easily close down a conversation by keeping it brief.”
Your ‘Be Heard’ Checklist
Whatever you’re trying to say, follow these tips:
Clarity: Understand what it is you want to achieve and stick to the facts.
Timing: Choose a time when the person isn’t too distracted or stressed to listen.
Calm: Slow your speech, and pause. People who babble come across as less self-assured.
Empathy: Let people know you have heard them, too.
Self-worth: Remember your voice and needs are as important as anybody else’s.
Space: Give people the chance to reflect on what you have said to them.
- Photography: Getty Images Visit Novacobban.com