'It's our free space': How queer youth can protect their joy online

When Jae Gurley recently catwalked into Club Renaissance, the standing VIP section of Beyoncé's "Renaissance" tour, they wore a Mugler bodysuit — and the widest grin. A friend captured Gurley's entrance to post on social media. On TikTok, where Gurley is a 23-year-old, Gen Z influencer, the nine-second clip was viewed 1.3 million times.

The video's comments read like a cheerleading section, with dozens of shoutouts like "Iconic," "slayed," and "SERVED." (To Gurley's delight, their outfit was also featured on the Instagram account of Parkwood Entertainment, the production company founded by Beyoncé.)

But the comments on Gurley's TikToks haven't always been so consistently supportive. As a Black, queer, nonbinary creator who regularly posts "get ready with me" TikToks, earlier videos in their "Bougie Tips" series sometimes elicited cruel comments about Gurley's femme appearance. The attacks cut even deeper when they came from cisgender posters of color who seem biased against femme creators, Gurley notes.

Still, Gurley prized the connections they were making with other queer creators, and relished the opportunity to be their authentic self online.

Now, with 1.8 million followers, brand deals with companies like Amazon and Hanes, and a spot on TikTok's inaugural LGBTQ+ Visionary Voices list, Gurley has gained hard-won wisdom about how to get the most out of social media while still protecting their mental health and well-being from the negative experiences that can come with being young and LGBTQ online.

"I find my community, truly," says Gurley, of the queer creators of color they engage with on a daily basis.

These connections are particularly precious to Gurley given that they can't always make them in person: "Especially a lot of the times when we have to put up disguises and masks to hide ourselves and protect ourselves. Online it's our free space. The masks come off."

Though Gurley is a well-known creator, their experience points to a familiar problem for young members of LGBTQ communities trying to navigate the risks and benefits of using social media.

Last month, in an advisory about youth social media use, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a warning about the "profound risk of harm" it can have on mental health and well-being of young people. The report cited studies showing that social media can be critically important for LGBTQ youth, who often find friends and social support online that may be unavailable in their own local communities. It also noted that some youth on social media may be at higher risk of bullying, harassment, sexual exploitation, and hate-based content, among other risks.

Indeed, queer youth are exploring their identities through social media at a time when their safety online is far from guaranteed. In April, for example, Twitter removed protections from its hateful conduct policy that prohibited deadnaming or misgendering transgender people. In response, dozens of LGBTQ centers deactivated their Twitter accounts.

Yet experts who work with LGBTQ youth say there are ways to use social media as a lifeline for connection while continuing to guard against the risks. These strategies include being aware of potential harms, asking for help when necessary, noticing personal stress cues, and developing related coping skills.

1. Be aware of the risks and ask for help when necessary.

While all youth face a similar set of online risks, new research suggests that LGBTQ youth are disproportionately affected by bullying, sexual exploitation, receiving unsolicited nudes, and witnessing potentially distressing content.

Thorn, a nonprofit organization that builds technology to defend children from sexual abuse, surveyed LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ+ youth and found that LGBTQ+ youth were far more likely to report certain negative experiences. In some cases, LGBTQ+ youth were two to three times more likely to encounter risky scenarios than their non-LGBTQ+ peers.

Cassie Coccaro, communications lead at Thorn, says that risk appears to be higher for LGBTQ+ youth because, as they seek a "safe haven" online for information and connection, users have more frequent "exploratory engagement" with social media.

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Worse yet, the survey found that LGBTQ+ youth, particularly cisgender, non-heterosexual boys, are less likely to ask for help if they've received unwanted messages from an adult or exchanged sexual content with someone. Survey respondents who said they'd try to handle a difficult situation on their own reported fearing being outed or losing their community as a result of coming forward.

Dr. Danielle Ramo, chief clinical officer of BeMe, a platform supporting teen mental health, says that queer teens need to know that people who threaten to distribute explicit images they've shared can be punished by law. In her experience with LGBTQ youth, those who've gone to law enforcement over such matters have seen positive outcomes. Doing so can also be empowering, says Ramo.

2. Noticing when social media becomes stressful or dangerous.

Gurley knows when social media use is affecting their well-being. Sometimes it comes down to numbers. When their screen time report exceeds 12 hours of use per day, Gurley knows it's time to take a break. (The average screen time for teens in 2021 was just over eight and a half hours a day, according to a survey published by nonprofit research organization Common Sense Media.)

But they also pay attention to cues like shortness of breath and an unusually busy mind while meditating. Biting their acrylic nails is another red flag, especially given their expense — Gurley guesses this behavior is often the result of wanting to type faster, without the nails slowing down their response, to "fight back" against criticism.

Depressive symptoms may also be a clue that certain ways of connecting and interacting on social media have become unhealthy. In one review of scientific studies on the subject, researchers found that cyberbullying of lesbian, gay, and bisexual social media users was associated with depression and suicidality. The study also found that while social media can be empowering for LGB users, the "constant surveillance" of a profile or account can become a stressor, perhaps leading to depression.

The lead author of that study, Dr. César G. Escobar-Viera, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh, says that more research is needed to understand when and how social media poses risks to LGBTQ youth. He believes that specific types of social media engagement can be protective for mental health, too, as youth access accurate information about their identity as well as positive representations of people who identify as LGBTQ.

"Seeing there are other teens, other people around their age, going through similar processes of figuring out their identities is part of reassurance that is important..." says Escobar-Viera.

3. Key coping skills for when social media feels stressful.

When Gurley feels overwhelmed, stressed, or harmed by social media use, they put their phone down. In May, they even took a weeks-long hiatus from TikTok, after their academic adviser, in Gurley's words, said, "It was either keep on posting and be a college dropout, or take a break."

Gurley also recently deleted Twitter after seeing an acquaintance's celebratory photo ratioed, with a dirty joke about their appearance. Gurley is candid about the decision: "This is a negative space, and there's no money to be made on here."

On TikTok, Gurley has started to delete hateful comments. While comments can boost engagement and thus make a video potentially more appealing to the platform's algorithm, Gurley decided it wasn't worth the cost. They also block people who "disrupt the space" and fight with others. This approach makes sense for Gurley's brand partnerships, but it's also helped them set expectations for behavior: "You don't get to run up here and do that."

In general, Gurley focuses on restorative offline activities when feeling burnt out or on the receiving end of too many personal attacks. Those activities include seeing friends in person, playing music, dancing, singing, and going to a show. As a newer hobby, journaling has brought Gurley considerable relief. The blank pages let them be "super vulnerable," but the writing often ends up in the trash as an act of release — a process opposite of what happens on social media.

Dr. Danielle Ramo advises LGBTQ youth to use positive affirmations when they encounter something troubling or hurtful on social media.

This could mean reading or viewing self-affirming material, like a book or film that positively portrays queer people. On social media, that strategy can lead to following LGBTQ content creators who are thriving, or celebrities openly sharing pride in their identity.

Positive self-talk can similarly counteract the effect of negative online experiences. Ramo offered simple statements from BeMe users as examples, including: "I deserve to love who I love," "I am brave. I am empowered. I am enough," and "People who support me will accept me for me."

"Unfortunately LGBTQ+ young people are targeted with political messaging, with negative and hate speech, specifically around times of celebration, like Pride," says Ramo, adding that it's critical that youth understand such rhetoric is often motivated by fear and a lack of knowledge. She urges them not to "internalize those messages."

Gurley says that queer youth who want to explore and enjoy social media should consider starting small, perhaps with their favorite show or hobby. From there, they suggest finding the communities built around those interests, specifically queer fans, and try making connections with them. But Gurley recommends being clear about boundaries.

"It is your empire," says Gurley. "If someone comes across, block, delete, block, move. It is completely OK. We are not all Beyoncé. We can't all be Beyoncé. We can't all pretend to not see anything or hear anyone but our own judgment."