Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I, single and 28, found out that Daddy and his mistress are building a house. My sibling and I know about it, but we haven’t told Mom; we’re protecting her. She’ll react in a way that wouldn’t be wise.

Last week, Daddy borrowed money from Mom. Since I knew about him building a house, I told Daddy I knew what he was doing so he wouldn’t borrow money from Mom anymore. I told him that I knew where he was taking the money.

I asked Daddy about his plans for Mom, my brother, and me, and he said that we are his legal family. Then I told Daddy to change his ways, to choose Mom, my sibling, and me, but he made many excuses and kept saying that Mom is the problem.    

I even told him that if he doesn’t change, my sibling and I will tell Mom about what Daddy is doing and suggest that Mom file an infidelity case against Daddy. 

Daddy has been cheating for a long time. We want his behavior to stop. I don’t know the consequences if Mom files a case, especially since we are financially dependent on Daddy. 

I can’t work outside because of my physical condition, so I help with our business. Mom doesn’t have a job because she takes care of me (though she has savings, which Daddy borrows when he’s in need).

Since I told Daddy that I know about the house he’s building, we haven’t been okay. He isn’t okay with me and the fact that I know about the house he’s building.  

I also thought, why is he the one who has the audacity to get angry with me when he’s the one who’s cheating? In fact, when I confronted him, I spoke in a polite and respectful manner. 

It seems neither of us can fully give up on Daddy, but he also can’t give up on his second family. But we can’t coexist and tolerate Daddy’s cheating, especially when they’re building a house. 

We, on the other hand, are saving up for my surgery (literally a life and death situation).

Before I found out about the house, Daddy used to give me money. It was quite a substantial amount, so I was able to save it in my bank account. But gradually, he stopped giving me money, and he even borrowed the amount he had previously given me for the surgery, without repaying it. Now my bank account is empty.

I want Daddy’s cheating on Mom to stop, most especially if he has no intention of fixing his marriage with Mom anymore. I want to ensure continued financial support for me. I’m afraid it will all just go towards the house. So, I don’t know what the wise thing to do is now. 

A Concerned Daughter

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Dear Concerned Daughter (CD),

The situation before you found out about your father and his mistress building a house was that your father was the sole source of income for all the family, legal or otherwise. In other words everybody was dependent on him financially. He would give you money towards your operation and borrow from your mother who, laudably, had savings despite not having a job. 

After you found out about the house, he continued to borrow from your mother and also borrowed from you. This must have been with the consent of both you and your mother, unless the funds were in a joint account to which he was a signatory, in which case he hadn’t really given the money away at all.

The situation now is no different, except that he appears to have a greater need for cash in order to complete this house. He is still the sole breadwinner and you are all dependent on him.

His declaration that you are his legal family seems to be merely a statement of the obvious, neither adding nor subtracting from the situation.

It would appear that your family has no options other than to continue to rely on his goodwill and for your sibling to get a job. Lawyers will tell you what your legal rights may be but if your father is determined to support his second family there is little you can do other than try moral suasion while biting your tongue. I wish I could be more encouraging.

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

Dear CD:

Thank you very much for your letter – one of the most difficult ones to answer in my over 10 years of writing this column. Then I realized why, thus making the column much easier to write: it is not my responsibility to make life easier for you, in the same way it is not your responsibility to make life easier for your mother. Oftentimes, a woman’s not actively dealing with her husband’s infidelity is a choice, whether consciously or not. Very seldom is this choice simply a matter of ignorance. Continuing to parentify both doesn’t help either; it burdens only you as well as overwhelming you even more with feelings of powerlessness.

You really have no power over what each parent might do or feel. 

However, you do have power over your own actions, no matter how infuriating, seemingly against the nature of a father towards his daughter and thus how incredibly painful his behavior is.

Your life is difficult. Many things – including your current health – are not what you would have chosen for yourself. You are in between an even “rockier” rock and a harder place than others, with no negotiating power over the father whose behavior you wish to control. 

Berating yourself over your past behavior is futile, including questioning whether you might have acted more judiciously. Might listening to him, instead of merely berating and then threatening him if he continued his behavior, lead to better results in the future?

The above is merely one suggestion of exercising what is under your control. I hope others will come to mind. I further hope this sense of agency will lessen the feeling of powerlessness that often leads to even more feelings of being overwhelmed, and wallowing in outrage – no doubt a mere step…but a step in the right direction, nonetheless. 

Praying your operation goes well and you are not too disappointed by Mr. Baer’s and/or my response/s,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.