I’m 31 and have a high libido but I’ve given up sex – you’d be surprised how men react when I tell them on dates
ACTRESS Pauline McLynn has shown sex the door at 60 saying she has reached an age where she is “just not interested”.
The Father Ted star who played house-keeper Mrs Doyle in the comedy, added: “It’s almost like a burden has been lifted – with apologies to my husband.”
A loss of libido is common, and while it affects up to one in five men at some point in their lives, the number is higher for women.
Stress, tiredness, and hormonal changes such as childbirth or the menopause are often some of the triggers.
Here, three women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s tell Claire Dunwell why they are now turning their backs on getting intimate in the bedroom.
‘My friends think it’s great and are really supportive’
HOPE FLYNN, 31, gave up sex five months ago because she says she’ll never find a long-term partner if she keeps having short-term flings.
Hope, from Notting Hill, West London, is head of sexual health and relationships content at iPlaySafe, a supplier of home-testing STI kits. She says…
It sounds like a bit of a cliché but, ultimately, I’ve become celibate because I’m looking for Mr Right.
I have a high libido but by taking away the sex, I’m letting men get to know me properly, and vice versa.
The last time I had sex was in February and I’d followed his lead when it came to intimacy. We ended up in bed together after just five dates.
A month later, I flew out to Australia for a pre-planned six-week holiday but after two weeks I realised he wasn’t right for me.
Thinking back to our conversations, he had mentioned his ex-partner’s name more than he should have.
Being away gave me time to think about what I wanted in life. I started to question why I’d had sex with him, and other men, so quickly.
In London the dating culture is all about going on an app, having sex and moving on.
There have been a few occasions where I’ve had sex with a man after just a few weeks only to find out further down the line they’re not who they said they were.
One I dated for months told me he was moving to Dubai and I discovered later through friends that he had moved to America to be with his wife who lived there.
Had I waited longer to have sex I might have found out sooner as the more you get to know someone, the more you come to understand their life and what type of person they are.
My last serious relationship was five years ago, and if I want to have children and settle down I need to do things differently.
So far, I’m enjoying being celibate. I’ve been on a few dates and I tell men straight away that sex is off limits.
Nobody has been put off and, if anything, they see it as a bit of a challenge.
I miss the intimacy of sex but it’s a case of mind over matter. I’ll remain celibate for as long as it takes.
My friends think it’s great and have been really supportive. Some are inspired to take on a similar approach to their dating lives.
I’d say some are even glad that I’ve removed myself from the drama of uncommitted men.
I’m trusting my gut instinct more and not going for a second date if I think there’s no future.
‘I’ve been hurt – now it’s hard to build trust’
SEX is off limits for Serena Bailey, 41, who is currently in her third run of celibacy.
It has been a year since the single mum of two girls, aged 19 and eight, last had sex, and she has no plans to end her hiatus. Serena, a photographer who lives in Southampton, says…
My relationships have always turned into negative experiences, and my last two made me see that men are extremely selfish.
Trusting men goes hand in hand with being intimate and when you get hurt time and again it’s hard to build that trust.
If I don’t trust a man, sex won’t happen and I’m not interested in one-night stands.
They promise you the world and do everything to get you to gain their trust, only to later destroy it.
My heart has been broken a couple of times and I refuse to let that happen again.
It would take a very special man, and a very long time, for me to ever let someone in again.
I also need to be careful about who I allow to be around my girls.
My last relationship lasted a 12 months and ended a year ago. I’ve not had sex with anyone since then.
I find it difficult to even bring myself to kiss anyone as I have to feel a real connection with someone to even do that.
I’m extremely fussy and I haven’t met anyone in a long time who is interesting and has a good enough personality.
Physical attraction and chemistry is important too and I very rarely find that with anyone.
This is the third time I have chosen celibacy.
I didn’t have sex for two years when I was in my twenties and I put a block on it again when I was in my thirties because if I’m not in a relationship, I simply don’t have sex.
I have been approached by many men who are in committed relationships – and even married – who try to engage in very flirtatious messages online and some have tried to meet me.
It only heightens my lack of faith in the male population in general and confirms my thoughts that most men just cause headaches.
I see celibacy continuing for a long time unless I meet someone very special.
I do miss sex sometimes but I’d rather be without than put up with a substandard relationship.
The longer that I go without the sex, the less I miss it.
‘I don’t miss it but I’d like intimacy of a relationship’
AFTER making the decision to become celibate three years ago, Jo Kingston says she doesn’t care if she never has sex again.
Jo, who lives in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, and runs a decluttering business, says…
All my life, I have had a boyfriend or a long-term partner without a gap between them.
Some relationships fizzled out, others ended badly or there was infidelity, but I always had an optimism that I’d eventually meet a life partner.
In my late thirties I was in a relationship for nine years and I could see us spending the rest of our lives together.
While the sex was good, he had a higher libido than I did.
I’d sometimes feel tired and not in the mood but I still put myself under pressure to have sex anyway.
I felt obligated and I did love him, although sex was never that important to me.
Eight years ago, that relationship ended after we grew apart and I assumed I’d easily meet someone else in time.
It didn’t happen, though. I went on a few dates, joined an online dating service but I ended up being the victim of catfishing, where a man was not who he claimed to be.
I realised there was no point doing this any more as I wanted to be with someone honest. I wondered how many other fakers were out there.
I did have sex with some boyfriends but it was sporadic and meaningless and I wondered why I was bothering because I could take it or leave it.
As I approached 50, I cared even less and sex stopped completely. I’d also been through the menopause by then which also impacted my libido.
Now, I don’t miss sex but I do miss the closeness and intimacy you usually find in a relationship.
Most of my friends are in relationships and have children and I have regrets that it hasn’t happened for me.
But I can go to bed for sleep without dreading being pawed at and I don’t have fears about a partner being unfaithful.
If I meet someone in the future, sex would be the last thought on my mind.
The world is obsessed with it – it’s on TV, social media and it feels like the topic everyone talks about.
I’d be more than happy with a hand to hold occasionally and someone to hug.
Additional reporting: JULIE COOK and CAROL DRIVE