Let’s Rank The Artifacts From Each Indiana Jones Movie

On the day the title was finally announced for the fifth and last Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, it felt a little underwhelming. There was no finality to it, nothing grandiose about it – it just felt like any other trinket Indiana Jones might be searching for on any given day. Certainly not a title worthy of this big final adventure. (Though, as director James Mangold said, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade kind of put a damper on giving the movie a title that at all alluded it to being “last.”)

But here’s the thing, Archimedes’ Dial wound up being a lot of fun. In that, it actually does something, which is nowhere near a given in any Indiana Jones movie. Anyway, this seemed like a good enough excuse to make a list ranking each artifact that plays the key role in each Indiana Jones movie. (“Key role.” So, sorry, Cross of Coronodo.) To be clear, this is not a ranking of the movies. And, ahead, there will be spoilers for Dial of Destiny. And let’s just go ahead and get the best out of the way, because of course it’s the Ark of the Covenant.

1. Ark of the Covenant

The best thing about the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders of the Lost Ark is just when characters sit around talking about the Ark. The scene near the beginning of the movie when government stooges show up asking Indiana Jones and Marcus Brody questions about Abner Ravenhood and why the Nazis would even be interested in the Ark in the first place. Indy scolds them, “Haven’t you ever been to Sunday school?” before giving a fascinating history lesson that also serves as exposition. The whole movie is explained right then and there, with horrifying detail about what’s to come, with Indy giving a character-defining line, “If you believe in that sort of thing.”

That’s what’s so beautiful about the establishment of the Indiana Jones character: he’s highly intelligent, has spent his life studying these legends … but he’s also a skeptic. Of course, the audience enters the movie also as skeptics, so this makes us like Indiana Jones because, “Hey, this is a smart guy who knows what he’s talking about and he also thinks it’s all phooey.”

Well, as it turns out, it’s not phooey. For most of the movie, we really have no idea what’s going to happen when the Ark is opened. From a scriptwriting standpoint, I do wonder how difficult that was for Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas — we’ve been talking about this thing the whole movie, now we’re actually going to open it and ghosts fly out. That ending is so embedded in our brains that it’s hard to take a step back and actually marvel at how weird it is. A complaint about The Kingdom of Crystal Skull (among many) is that Indiana Jones doesn’t affect the story in any real way. Take him out and the same thing pretty much happens. The same could be said for Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing Indy truly does is discover the Nazi’s staff in the map room was the wrong size, which just ends with Indy being caught. Without Indy, the Nazis probably never even find the Ark to begin with. And even if they do, they still go that that island to have their faces melted. But that’s kind of the beauty in the title of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the only film Indiana Jones isn’t mentioned in the title. Indy is just one of the raiders and he lost … until he didn’t.

2. Archimedes’ Dial

Unlike the Ark, we know exactly what the Dial does pretty early on in Dial of Destiny. Or, at the very least, what it’s supposed to do. It’s an interesting plot beat in that the 1944 Nazis are not interested in the Dial whatsoever. Jürgen Voller is even mocked at the very idea of presenting the Dial to Hitler instead of the dagger they were supposed to find, “Have you ever met Hitler?!?!” Also making it unique is that it possesses no supernatural powers of its own. It’s simply a compass that will point the way to fissures in time. But this time it’s Indy who figures out Voller’s calculations are wrong and Voller’s plan to travel from 1969 back to 1939 to kill Hitler isn’t going to work. (As an aside, I truly love how nuts that plot point is: a Nazi who wants to go back in time to kill Hitler because he thinks he can lead better.) Anyway, unlike most of the other artifacts in these movies, the Dial does something. Actually, it does the most. I kind of love the Dial. I wish I had my own Dial of Destiny.

3. The Holy Grail

I almost put the Sankara Stone from Temple of Doom third. I think I could make a strong case. Because the Holy Grail is just about useless unless you want to live eternity in a cave. The Nazis sure are bad when it comes to artifacts. They all killed themselves opening the Ark. They decided, “not interested,” to the Dial. And now here they spend tremendous resources on a cup that does nothing outside a 30-foot radius. And the Grail can’t even be taken out of the cave without a massive earthquake occurring. Now, if maybe the Grail had to be kept at Six Flags or something like that, where at least there’s some entertainment for “eternity,” well now we’re talking. Though maybe that was what should have happened all along. Just build a Six Flags around where the grail is kept. Or, at the very least, a Chili’s. Anyway, even though the Sankara Stone is not confined to a cave, I still give a slight edge to the Grail for curing a gunshot wound. That’s pretty hard to overlook.

4. Sankara Stone

The powers are kind of vague, but once the village lost its stone it became inhabitable. So that’s certainly something. And Mola Ram sure ants these stones. But that’s the weird thing about Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, the artifact itself is downplayed. It’s not a race against other groups seeking the same item. this movie is presented as more of an action-style showdown between Indiana Jones and Mola Ram. In fact, it’s the only one of the five Indiana Jones movies that ends with an actual physical fight between Indiana Jones and the main villain. In all the other movies, the artifact either literally destroys the villain or, as in Dial of Destiny, directly leads to their death. Sure, in Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones knows what to say so the stone heats up, which contributes to the death of Mola Ram, but on this occasion, Indiana Jones gets the credit for taking him out. Even being vague, I’d still rather have a Sankara Stone in my apartment than the Holy Grail. Mostly to avoid the earthquakes that come as part of the deal of owning the Grail. At least with the stone, I bet my garden would be in better shape.

5. Crystal Skull

I honestly can’t tell you what this thing even does. I do often wonder if, even with its other problems, if the artifact in Crystal Skull had made more sense, would the movie as a whole have worked better? Maybe? The only thing the Skull does do is let Lucas come to an agreement with Spielberg and Ford what the plot of the movie would even be. Lucas wanted aliens. Spielberg most definitely did not. This was the compromise and, in the process, we get this milquetoast story and artifact. You see, it’s not an alien (it’s kind of totally an alien), it’s an inter-dimensional being and if you look at it too long you zone out. Why did anyone want this skull beyond getting their name in the paper for discovering an alien skeleton? I still have no clue. What does it eventually do? Remember that? The head attached to a body. Then all the aliens in the room combined. Then everything got sucked into the room. Then the spacecraft (I’m sorry, inter-dimensional craft) vanished. I truly think Indiana Jones was just making it up when he gives the whole, “knowledge was their treasure,” line. The movie could have just have ended with Indy saying, “Well that was weird, right?” And it would have made just as much sense.

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