How Astrology-Speak Took Over Our Love Lives

“Cancer men are the devil and that’s a hill I will die on” 

“Yeah, but what’s his moon sign? That’s what really matters.” 

If you’re dating in 2022, you know it’s almost impossible to escape statements like the ones above: Astrology-speak ― especially when applied to our romantic lives ― is everywhere. (If it’s not astrology talk you’re hearing on dates, it’s therapy speak ― or sometimes both at the same time.) 

Dating apps have a designated spot to put your sign, people use “What’s your sign?” as a tried-and-true icebreaker, and “Could you text your mom and see what time you were born?” isn’t an uncommon question to ask on a second or third date. (For the unfamiliar, you need to know your birth time in order to determine your moon sign, which is the placement that describes your emotional, interior life and how you process your emotions.)

Stevie Goldstein, an astrologer and the co-host of the podcast “What’s Your Sign?” says she’s seen astrology impact singles in myriad ways. 

“You have astrology devotees who swear off a sign completely after a bad experience ― ‘I’m never dating another water sign’ ― and also folks who don’t practice astrology rolling their eyes at anyone who follows and has a connection to the movements of the planets,” she told HuffPost. 

As many have pointed out, horoscopes, like other things that are labeled “feminine” or popular in queer and femme spaces — cosmetics, boy bands, “Barbie” and even traits like gentleness ― are often considered silly.

Astrology is regarded as pseudoscience because it lacks scientific evidence. But men picking a fight over the subject with their girlfriends probably aren’t doing themselves any favours. (There’s a jokey headline from the parody site Hard Times News that rings true here, Goldstein said: “Man’s Unmitigated Hatred of Astrology More of a Red Flag Than His Actual Astrological Sign.”)

“I think even straight men are realising that, at the very least, being openly dismissive of astrology no longer flies,” said Julia Loken, a comedian and Goldstein’s co-host on “What’s Your Sign?”

“I don’t think that means that they are necessarily embracing astrology, but it is something you have to at least acknowledge as popular and potentially relevant,” she said.

Does having an interest in astrology give you a competitive advantage, the way saying you’re in therapy and working on yourself might? That’s all in the eye of the beholder, Loken said, but she does think knowing your “big three” is a sign of cultural literacy, which might score you points.

Your big three in astrology are your sun, moon, and rising ― also called ascendant ―  signs, which collectively represent the foundational parts of your personality.

“It’s like if you’re familiar with a popular meme reference,” she said. “You don’t necessarily have to put stock in astrology, but you should know that it’s a concept people are talking about. It’s a sign that you are ‘with it.’ Pun intended.” 

Jenn Seng, a 23-year-old web content writer who lives in San Diego, is firmly interested in astrology, and so are the majority of the women she dates. 

“When are we lesbians not comparing our charts?” she said. “I have never met another lesbian or bi girl who does not ask me about my sign or eventually compare charts with me.” 

As a Sagittarius, Seng said she frequently gets told she’s “scary.”

“When I unveil my Libra Venus [placement] to dates, most thank God for giving me a Cancer moon,” she said. “I mean, these girls KNOW their stuff. They’ll pull up apps like Costar immediately with their chart ready.”

Though astrology has been around for thousands of years and probably didn’t need a PR boost, astrology apps like Costar and The Pattern have made the topic more accessible. The apps make it easy to add your friends and the people you’re dating, see your compatibility and compare your natal charts. 

Natal charts include planetary placements, which is where a given planet was positioned in the sky when you were born, based on your geographic location and the time of your birth. The idea is that your specific, unique natal chart can provide insight into your personality, motivations and desires.

“The Pattern app, for instance, will give you daily updates on your relationship in alignment to the stars,” Seng said. “I actually am in a committed relationship and I have my partner on that app.”

Seng said she and her partner glean a lot from the app and their natal charts, but they’re not reliant on any of it. 

“We don’t overly use astrology to judge how our relationship is going or if we’re meant to be,” she said. “We very much rely on our feelings for each other and what we feel is best for ourselves.”

Lance, a 22-year-old who lives in the Hudson Valley region of New York, is also into astrology. (Lance asked to use his first name only to protect his privacy.) 

“I’m a Taurus sun, Virgo moon, Libra rising. I get along best with water signs and other earth signs,” he reported. “I am wary of fire and air signs, but their energy always excites me.”

Lance said that when people tell him that they don’t believe in astrology on dates, he jokes, “That’s fine. After all, the stars aren’t going anywhere.”

“I think that people’s reactions to my feelings about astrology is a much more significant measurement of our compatibility,” he said.

“Most people see astrology as a fun tool to reflect on their own lives without taking it too seriously,” he said. “Like, I don’t think people should be using things like natal chart placements to manipulate others. I’ve seen many joke posts of people lying about their birth times to impress or deceive.”

Why would they do that? Some signs historically have a bad rap. Lisa Chanoux, a writer/comedian and the third host of “What’s Your Sign,” said she hears the most complaints about Aries, Gemini and Scorpio.

“I would guess that people would call Aries selfish, but I think all signs can be selfish, but Aries is a sign that apologises quickly and truly cares for others,” she said. (Chanoux’s husband is an Aries, so she had the inside scoop: “When you encounter the ‘selfish’ Aries, I recommend you make them think your idea is their idea.”)

Geminis have a reputation for being wishy-washy or “two-faced,” she said.

“In reality, I think they see all sides of an argument pretty quickly, and then take less time making decisions than other signs,” she explained. “Often, it doesn’t mean that much to them, which makes people who methodically or painstakingly think something out furious.” 

Geminis are one of the most fun signs to chat and laugh with, Chanoux said, so she recommends getting a feel for them through less-serious topics first if you’re finding a Gemini a little duplicitous. 

Chanoux thinks Scorpios have a bad reputation because they love very deeply.

“Scorpio isn’t a surface-level sign and so things can move really quickly, and especially if you’re young or new to dating, this can be a bit much,” she said.

If you’re feeling love-bombed by a Scorpio, “try making a platonic friendship with one,” Chanoux said. “It can be a different person! Having Scorpio friends is one of the most rewarding life experiences.” 

Obviously, though, no two people are alike, Chanoux said, and these characteristics shouldn’t be taken as gospel: You may have an amazing relationship with one Gemini, but one that leaves you reeling and heartbroken with another. People are unique, and your zodiac sign isn’t prescriptive. (“Don’t blame their chart, blame the person!” Goldstein joked.) 

Chris Brennan, the host of “The Astrology Podcast” and the author of the book “Hellenistic Astrology: The Study of Fate and Fortune,” cautions against letting one bad experience with a certain astrological sign color your opinion of all of them, in friendships or in dating.

“I think it is important for people to recognize that astrology is more complicated than it might seem at first, and that they should avoid simplifying it or using it as a tool to prejudge people, because that isn’t really what it is meant for,” he said.

“Basically, my advice is to take astrology into account, but don’t be obnoxious about it, and don’t let it override what you feel in your heart,” he said. 

Camille Michelle Gray, an astrologer and musician, agrees. When she’s had clients particularly worried about an “incompatibility” (“their Mars is square my Moon, are we doomed?”), she’s tried to deconstruct those beliefs. 

“When I talk to clients, especially beginners in astrology, they might say something like, ‘I’ve never had a good experience with a Libra,’” she said. “Instead of avoiding Libras outright, they instead understand how Libra placements trigger their chart, and why it feels so itchy.”

This way, Gray told HuffPost, “folks can become curious about their own sensitivities and histories instead of displacing those experiences onto a sun sign stereotype.”

“I tell people challenges are growth opportunities!” Gray explained. “A relationship with no friction is boring.”  

Joe Nolan, a 52-year-old artist in Nashville, Tennessee, knows firsthand that you can’t judge a sun sign book by its cover. 

“I’m a Gemini married to a Taurus,” he said. “That’s not supposed to work, but we both have Venus and Mars in Cancer, and my rising sign ― also Gemini ― is just minutes out of Taurus. (In other words, there are parts of their natal charts that are deeply synced up.) 

When Nolan was dating, he never refused to date a certain sign, but he definitely found himself gravitating to the same signs unconsciously. 

“I’ve also found that people willing to talk about their stars are generally spiritual, curious or at least open-minded,” he told HuffPost. “That’s important to me as a typical Gemini.”

As a married guy who believes in astrology, Nolan had some advice for single straight men put off by the abundance of astrology talk out there: See it as the conversation starter it is, and you might even have a little fun with it. 

“If I asked somebody their sign and they were straight dismissive, I’d probably just assume they were pretty rigid and boring,” he said. “Astrology can be a fun icebreaker and a gateway to a deeper conversation, if you allow it to be.”