I had bariatric surgery and lost 85 pounds. Here's how I talked to my 12-year-old daughter about it.

• I had gastric-bypass surgery in November 2022 and lost 85 pounds.
• Before I had the surgery, I talked to my daughter about the procedure and what to expect. 
• I wanted to make sure she knew I was doing it for my health, not for aesthetic reasons.

The first time I told my daughter I was considering bariatric surgery, my family was enjoying dinner at a sports bar during a weekend getaway. It was December 2020, and I had already been to a consultation with the doctor who would later perform the procedure. But I was terrified to move forward; the process seemed overwhelming.

In tears, I looked into my then-10-year-old daughter's eyes and said, "If I do this, I want you to know it's because my body hurts and I feel unhealthy, not because I think there's anything wrong with having fat on your body." At the time, I was 5-foot-4 and weighed over 220 pounds, but I would gain another 15 before I decided to have the surgery nearly two years later.

I refused to continue the cycle of body shame my mom passed on to me

I've struggled with my weight throughout my life, and my relationship with food and dieting is fraught with anxiety. As a child, I recall crying at the dinner table as I recounted stories to my parents about kids mocking me for my weight on the playground. 

As a teen in the 1990s, each time my jeans felt tight, my mother would sign me up for Jenny Craig or take me to the store to buy Dexatrim. By the time I became a mother myself, I had tried it all, from phentermine to P90X, only to lose and regain 50 pounds.

My daughter is my second child, and when she was born, I looked forward to having a little girl around the house to share my love of pink dresses and pedicures. But I also felt fear: How would I handle my own body-image issues, many of which I inherited from my mother, without destroying my little girl's sense of self? 

I embraced the body-positivity movement, focusing on moving my body and eating healthy foods. I decided I wouldn't discuss my appearance around my daughter in a negative way.

And in many ways, my focus on body positivity helped. I stopped tracking every piece of food I put in my mouth and instead focused on eating whole foods like lean proteins and fresh vegetables. I exercised more, finding ways I enjoyed moving my body — like spin classes and long walks — instead of punishing myself at the gym. Knowing that I was doing everything "right" and caring for my body in a loving way gave me a confidence boost.

My daughter grew up in a home where if weight was discussed at all, it was only to say it's normal for people to have fat on their bodies and that all bodies are worthy of love. I watched her eat dinner enthusiastically, without shame. Food was not her enemy, and through things like going on family walks, jumping on the trampoline, and taking dance classes, she was learning to love moving her body.

Even though I was developing a healthier relationship with my body and improving my mental health, I continued to gain weight. By age 41, I weighed 235 pounds and was feeling the effects of my weight on my health. I felt chronic pain in my back, legs, and feet; I also suffered from a severe ulcer and woke up most nights with painful acid reflux.

I told my daughter that my choice was about my health

I decided to have bariatric surgery in May 2022, 15 months after my initial consultation with my surgeon. Because health-insurance approval takes months, I immediately began a process of blood work, therapist appointments, nutritionist visits, and more. 

Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who specializes in teens and parenting, said that when it comes to talking to a teenage girl about weight-loss surgery, the first step is to be honest. "Talk to your kids before you have it," Greenberg said. "A teenage daughter knows there are things going on. The worst thing to do would be to avoid it." I had already broached the subject with my daughter after my initial consultation in 2020, and after I made my decision, I brought it up with her again. 

"I think this surgery is going to change my life," I told my daughter, who was then nearly 12, "but I need you to understand that this isn't about thinking I'm unattractive." 

Greenberg also suggested that when you have the conversation with your kids, "make sure that they know it's for health and not for vanity, and get specific with them about how your weight is affecting your health. Tell them a healthy weight varies from person to person, and focus on that what is healthy for one person is not necessarily healthy for another person and that for you, your weight feels unhealthy."

I told her that my feet and legs hurt frequently; I needed her to understand that it wasn't about how I looked. "I'm doing it so I can move more, exercise more, and be around to chase your kids around my yard someday," I said.

Like she always does, my cool, calm, collected girl took my words in stride. Over the next six months, we had additional discussions here and there about the surgery. I tried to be honest with her about things that scared me, like the pain I'd feel in the days and weeks after surgery and whether or not the surgery would even work for me. We talked about how long the recovery process would take and what it would be like — from where my incisions would be on my abdomen to how long she might see me hobbling around in pain.

Greenberg said that you should explain any previous measures you've taken to lose weight, and if your child has concerns about the procedure or its risks, she suggested inviting them to an appointment with your surgeon to ask questions.

When I talked with my daughter, we also discussed the ways my life would change as a result of the procedure. Sure, I wouldn't be able to eat as much in a sitting due to my stomach being smaller, but there'd be more than that. I told her I'd be tired for a few months as my body adjusted and explained that I'd have to reduce my consumption of things like caffeine and sugar, and she'd see my diet change a bit because I'd focus on a high-protein diet after my surgery.

I also told her one side effect of bariatric surgery could be hair loss because of changes in the nutrients I was getting and rapid weight loss. She and I had maintained the same long, blonde hairstyle for years, and I explained that I was planning to cut my hair into a short blonde bob until the hair loss subsided. No longer twinning with her mom may be what made her the most sad, but I promised her I'd grow my hair long again eventually.

Getting weight-loss surgery is a personal decision, and it was the right one for me

On November 1, I underwent gastric-bypass surgery. Seeing me in pain afterward was tough on both of my kids, but as I continued to heal and lose weight, they saw me happy for the first time in years. The pain I had felt in my feet, back, and legs while doing daily activities had eased, and I had more energy for everything from family days at the beach to keeping our house clean. I was more well-rested because the surgery corrected my ulcer and ended my nightly battle with reflux. Eventually, I was pain-free and energetic — free to be their mom in the way I'd always wanted to be. To date, I've lost 85 pounds and the biggest comment I get from others is, "You are glowing."

And I am. Today, I tell my daughter how happy I am that I made the decision to have weight-loss surgery. While the concept of body-mass index has been disproven and people of all weights can be healthy, bariatric surgery is a personal decision, and it was the right one for me.

It was a choice made based on how I wanted to feel, not how I wanted to look. Bariatric patients often face criticism — from naysayers calling the procedure "the easy way out" to well-meaning commenters who point out that you were "pretty" at both weights.

"Explain that you'll have more energy and live a longer and healthier lifestyle," Greenberg said. "But by all means, don't avoid talking about it. They'll see your weight loss."

Today, my life looks completely different than it did this time a year ago. I have more energy to work out, which helps me manage my stress and anxiety and be more present with my kids throughout the day. My kids never watch me hobble from the living room to the kitchen because my feet hurt or see me popping ibuprofen for back pain. Instead, we go for long walks with our dogs, have marathon days at theme parks, sign up for 5K races together, and hop in the pool most evenings because I'm not exhausted from the day. Bariatric surgery, for me, was a way to give my kids a healthier mom.