Do You Really Need To Love Yourself To Love Somebody Else?

Everyone from RuPaul to countless self-help books seems to be saying the same thing – If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? 

The well-meaning sentiment carries substantial, if incomplete, wisdom. As Psychology Today says, “Yes, if you hate yourself and you’re living a reckless life, you probably should work on you a little (life coping tools) before investing in someone else.”

But recently, relationship coach Jillian Turecki took to TikTok to share her thoughts on the matter. And her views seem to be that while the adage is well-intentioned, it might ultimately not be true. 

“You don’t have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship,” she states at the beginning of her video. “And you don’t have to be completely healed to be in a relationship.” 

Here’s why she thinks the ultimatum is untrue. 

Relationships can be healing 

No, it’s not a good idea to rely on your partner to meet, or heal, significant mental health issues. But Turecki shares that a good relationship can make existing problems a little – even a lot – more bearable. 

“Being in a healthy relationship is actually very healing,” the relationship coach says. “And we can learn to love ourselves even more when we are experiencing true love coming to us from someone else.” 

It makes sense. The Government of Australia shared that “the benefits of social connections and good mental health are numerous. Proven links include lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and more trusting and cooperative relationships. Strong, healthy relationships can also help to strengthen your immune system, help you recover from disease, and may even lengthen your life.” 

Turecki adds that the right person can help you to see things in yourself you hadn’t noticed before, boosting your self-esteem and making you “learn to love yourself more because of their love for you.” 

Setting very high personal standards can be a defence mechanism 

Again, none of this is to say that self-improvement isn’t important. And if you feel that you genuinely can’t sustain a relationship in your current mental state, there’s nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself. 

But Psychology Today suggests that feeling the need to be ‘perfect’ before you enter a relationship can be a roundabout way to avoid vulnerability. “The idea that you have to fully love yourself... can be a wall we hide behind because we’re afraid to love,” they say.

They add that “it sets you up to ring a high bell that’s unattainable, because loving yourself doesn’t come with a certificate or a finish line. It’s a life-long process.”

Many of us face fluctuating moods, and most people’s ideas of their own self-worth will vary over days, months, and years (in fact, people with periods can face huge monthly self-esteem swings due to hormonal changes). But don’t let normal mood shifts turn you off the idea of love. 

Here’s the full video: 

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• Beat, Adult Helpline: 0808 801 0677 and Youthline: 0808 801 0711 or email help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk (adults) fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk (youth support)
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org