10 years ago, I fell in love at first sight. Now that I'm a parent, I don't believe in it anymore.

• I met my husband in 2013 in rural Japan and felt like I had always been in love with him. 
• We married and had a child together, and I went from being a workaholic to a stay-at-home mom. 
• I know that there's a lot of labor to put into relationships, not just love, so they work. 

I come from a broken family, and both my parents have been married and divorced — multiple times. It seemed unlikely any kind of love would last, let alone love at first sight. 

Then I met my husband.

I saw him for the first time when I moved to rural Japan in 2013 to teach English. We shook hands on a business trip to plan a summer camp.

Meeting him felt like meeting family, not so much that I was falling in love, but that I had always been in love and was just realizing it for the first time. Even as instant attraction was binding us together, I reminded myself how infrequently love lasts.

Despite this, I quickly started to suspect that this courtship was different. We made a good team, and having mostly just each other to talk to in English in a world of Japanese bonded us quickly.

I married him 10 years ago 

Less than six months later, he asked me to marry him. I trusted him, and so despite my skepticism over love at first sight, lasting love, and marriage itself, I said yes. This happened 10 years, eight moves, two countries, two advanced degrees, and one child ago.

We have been through mental health struggles, burnout, failed friendships, and broken familial relationships, but nothing has challenged us as much as parenthood. 

Parenthood wasn't just one transition, but many; it changed our identities, our priorities, and our needs. We were faced with all the parenting struggles that lead so many people to divorce or at least to seek a 50/50 custody agreement with their spouse.

While my husband and I were supportive of each other doing whatever it took to pursue our passions before kids, having a child meant we both had to make sacrifices to take care of her. 

We have to look for a good relationship actively

Without access to affordable or quality childcare, I made the conversion from a workaholic to a stay-at-home mom. This transition set us out of orbit; we were no longer both free to give our all to our careers.

That imbalance weighs on us every day.

When we are too tired to talk it out, too tired to think logically, too tired to say "I'm sorry" or "I still love you," love at first sight isn't enough.

"Love at first sight" sounds like "happily ever after"— a romantic spell two people are put under that allows them to weather every storm, beautifully navigate every fight, and forgive every wrong. But I don't believe in magic.

Instead, I live by this: "In life, there are no right choices. We make our choices right." These words, shared with me by a student in Japan, have given me the resolve to make the best not just of my marriage but of every major life decision I have made since.

My upbringing put the longevity of romantic love into question, but I recognize I have the ability to change and influence my own future. I actively pursue a healthy relationship, not leaving it to chance, fate, or the magic of love at first sight.

So yes, I fell in love at first sight. But I don't believe in it and don't trust it to put in the work of sustaining us. 

Instead, I believe in the labor that is love: the questions we still ask and the choices we make every single day to do better and be better as parents, partners, and professionals. 

Labor doesn't sound as romantic as love at first sight, but it's how we make our love last.