Harriette Cole: My husband lives in the lakehouse so he can avoid my teen daughter

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married to my current husband about 10 years ago. I had two children with my now-ex-husband.

My current husband has really stepped up this past decade and become like a true father to my children. However, as my second daughter has entered her teenage years, my husband has started to complain about her attitude and even started calling her derogatory names.

Not only has he complained to me, but he has also started talking about her to my extended family, and I am mortified.

A tactic he has resorted to is avoiding her at all costs; we have a second property by the lake that he will visit for days at a time without the rest of us. What steps can I take to help bring their relationship back to the way it once was?

Need a Resolution

DEAR NEED A RESOLUTION: When children become teenagers, their hormones are raging, and sometimes their behavior changes dramatically.

What are you noticing about your daughter? Does she, in fact, have an attitude these days? Is she moody? Short-tempered? How would you describe her behavior?

Notice specifically how she speaks to and interacts with your husband. Do the same as you observe him. How is he behaving? To navigate this, you want to have a clear view from your perspective.

Sit down with your husband. Tell him what you have observed and how it makes you feel — namely, that he seems to be avoiding your daughter and talking negatively about her to others, and it’s upsetting and embarrassing you. Ask him not to withdraw but instead to help you with her as he always has. Point out that when a girl steps into the teenage years, it can be challenging for the whole family. Encourage him not to retreat but instead to stay actively present and to help guide your daughter with loving care, not judgment.

Talk to your daughter. Find out her thoughts. She likely has a completely different view of the situation. Help her learn how to sort through her emotions while being respectful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am graduating from high school next year, and I’m starting to look for colleges.

I feel as if I don’t have control over where I will attend college because my dad keeps pushing me to apply for Ivy League schools such as Dartmouth and Harvard. He has even flown me out to look at both of them.

I don’t feel as if I can make it into an Ivy League university, and I don’t want to go too far away from my home state of Minnesota. I would rather attend a state school in the Midwest because they still offer a great education and are much more affordable due to in-state tuition and reciprocity.

How do I tell my dad that I don’t want to attend a school so far away from home? I don’t want to disappoint him.

Choosing College

DEAR CHOOSING COLLEGE: Your father is encouraging you to think big. There’s nothing wrong with that.

While you shouldn’t be forced into applying to certain colleges, please do not give up before you try. If you get into one of those prestigious schools, you might be offered a scholarship, so money would no longer be a concern.

My recommendation is that you apply to a range of schools. The Ivies can be your reach schools. Pick some safety schools like those in the Midwest and a third group that are a better fit for your chosen career path. Then see where you are accepted and how much each school will cost. There’s no need to nix the Ivies now. Just see what happens.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.