The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (July 29-Aug. 4)
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. And although the platform might be rebranding to X, their humor lives on.
Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim "I must go to the sea!"
— Adriana Porter Felt (@__apf__) July 30, 2023
my cat looks like a catholic saint portrait here pic.twitter.com/HD87HBlbDN
— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) August 2, 2023
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
— chase (@_chase_____) July 30, 2023
at home: I can’t decide what movie to watch from the last 100 years. Siri look up anhedonia
— Marie lastnamé (@marieberd) July 31, 2023
at a hotel: the last 20 minutes of Beverly Hills Cop 2? here is richer entertainment than Caesar could command
thinking about my high school chemistry teacher who was clearly an alcoholic and said “shits cashed” every time a dry erase marker ran out of ink
— lexaprofessional (@queasy_f_bby) July 31, 2023
Just once I want to read a summer romance novel about someone who quits their city job to run a lighthouse in a remote location only to realize the single ship they’re monitoring is the one that carries souls to the underworld and hey, the captain is kind of hot
— fran (@galacticidiots) August 2, 2023
A guy on Hinge asked me who my favourite Tudor was (as an opening question) and I said Anne Boleyn. And he unmatched me ????. Was that....the wrong answer???? I can't stop laughing.
— Rachel Thompson - ROUGH out now (@RVT9) August 2, 2023
some of you are not Kenough. some of you are broKen
— trash jones (@jzux) July 31, 2023
the woman sitting behind me at Hadestown told her friend during intermission that she “hopes this has a happy ending” because she hates depressing stories and I’m so sorry ma’am but you’ve had almost 3000 years to look up how this ends
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 2, 2023
My American bf has tried gallantly to understand cricket all summer, but getting his head around the size of the trophy we play for is too much to ask pic.twitter.com/32SbeRBnvB
— elle hardy (@ellehardy) July 31, 2023
I’m at my brothers house and I started singing along to SZA then he flinched and was like “that’s so weird”. I asked what’s up… He said he’s so used to his wife being able to sing that he forgot what bad singing sounds like ????????????????????????????????????????????????
— TONI TONE (@t0nit0ne) August 2, 2023
If the font is too small, I will not read it. It simply wasn’t meant for me to know.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 2, 2023
I’m trying to heal a wound on my face without leaving a scar and my dermatologist said that the best thing I can do is to massage or use a pulsating device on the area to increase blood flow. So now my daily skincare routine consists of moisturizer, retinol, and a bullet vibrator
— Sarah McGonagall (@gothspiderbitch) August 3, 2023
sometimes u just need to sit in a starbucks parking lot for 30 min in ur car and scroll thru ur phone it’s called girl time
— chrissy chlapecka (@chrissychlapp) August 1, 2023
Sorry for the things I said when the air-conditioning was broken
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 31, 2023
Can’t get enough of this news cycle pic.twitter.com/8jr2TqMEtU
— Elena Saavedra Buckley (@elenasb_) August 3, 2023
On day 100 of the strike should we all wear gray wigs and old age makeup like little kids do on the 100th day of school?
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 1, 2023
one thing i’ll say for the new twitter app icon is i finally feel the appropriate amount of shame and self-loathing clicking on it throughout the day
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) August 1, 2023
me 1 hour 57 minutes after I’ve said I’m on my way pic.twitter.com/27G29ydxjE
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) July 31, 2023
if I sit in the sun for a while and drink water I become so powerful? I am no better than a house plant for real
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 30, 2023
so happy to be back in my barbie dreamhouse after spending a weekend at my boyfriend’s mojo dojo casa house
— Valentina V. (@valentinavoight) July 30, 2023
Hey guys! So I'm on the Mayflower (finally!! Can't wait for the New World!!) so I'm just gonna do my paired-down makeup routine today, normally I'd use a liquid eyeliner but the sitch on the North Atlantic is actually crazy wobbly and Mother says our fresh water is dwindling so-- https://t.co/MlaIwQcYim
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 31, 2023
i said “girl dinner” while going down on my partner and she didn’t laugh should we call off the wedding
— rivkah reyes is on strike (@rivkahreyes) July 31, 2023
my job is just… Scroll pic.twitter.com/I8RDcc3RQQ
— abby govindan (@abbygov) July 30, 2023
"i can fix him" bro he got 10 other girls tryna fix him yall look like a construction crew
— cheepie (@cheepieee) July 27, 2023
So at my cousin’s wedding they got everyone to draw a picture of themselves and made it into a lovely tea towel as a souvenir.
— Rachel Cunliffe (@RMCunliffe) July 29, 2023
Everyone else understood the brief. Me… well this is how I chose to represent myself… pic.twitter.com/QYDoqE0IjA
I asked a question in a meeting and no one answered so I said “Bueller?” and my colleague said “there’s no one here by that name here”. Please send wine and a headhunter to my hole in the ground.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 3, 2023
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of worcestershire sauce?
— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 2, 2023