Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My best friend “muted” me from his life after I confronted him about how he acts around my partner. He was one of my besties at work even before my partner (who is in the same friend group) and I had a thing.

I already knew before that he liked my partner but did not pursue him since my partner really goes for the opposite sex, which was me.

When I finally got the ~feels~ for my partner then, I even consulted my friend to ask if it was okay and he said yes. Years went by smoothly, until I found out that he gets touchy (arms all over, invites him to dinner, just the two of them) and still talks flirtatiously (kinda maliciously) with my partner. 

Since he was my best friend, I mustered up the courage to gently let him know how uncomfortable this all was to me. I even justified his acts and told him that I kind of understood, since I knew he was hurting after a breakup, and the only person he was comfortable talking about it with was my partner.

Yet still I emphasized that I was uncomfortable and that it was making me think twice about him.

Although he said he needed time to process this because he was disappointed that I thought of him that way, he then completely ”muted” me, and then continued doing those things with my partner after a while. 

My partner even told me that he brought up the topic of our friendship, and my friend told him he’s still not ready to talk to me or patch things up.

I’m so disappointed with my friend for the way he reacted. I mean, if my “allegations” were wrong, why were his reactions severe? 

Please help me understand. Thank you.

R

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Dear R,

Thank you for your email.

So your best friend (let’s call him Joe) has, it seems, been flirting with your partner for years despite your speaking to him about it and despite your so- called friendship. And now Joe has taken offense and “muted” you.

Well, if this is Joe’s definition of friendship, R, perhaps you are a whole lot better off without him. Friendships are defined not only by what is shared but also by where the boundaries are drawn. They are further defined by the mutual consideration and respect between the parties involved, and flirting with a friend’s partner after being warned against it does not qualify as any sort of consideration or respect whatsoever.

There is a further issue which you do not raise, and that is your partner’s reaction to Joe’s flirting. As he knows that the flirting upsets you, he should make it crystal clear to Joe that this behavior needs to cease. Hopefully, with the passage of time, Joe will come to terms with reality and reset your friendship along the lines you have indicated. If he cannot accept your terms, it really doesn’t seem a relationship that you should have much interest in prolonging.

All the best,
JAF Baer

Dear R:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr. Baer that Joe and your partner (let’s call him Malcolm) have both behaved in ways that a true friend and a real boyfriend would not.  

However, I disagree that “hopefully Joe will reset your friendship.” At least, not until he apologizes and you feel deep in your heart that he means it. Not until he lets you know you were right to tell him your misgivings and he was wrong to use your trust (that he would take it in the manner you meant) and your candor as an excuse to become even closer to Malcolm. Not just closer, but to treat you as the asungot (pesky) third party.

It’s as if Joe’s got you where he wants you: outside the kulambo (mosquito net), so it is only Malcolm and him, together, enjoying the protection it offers. You, on the other hand, are left to deal with the fallout from his ridiculous, totally-without-basis reaction to what you told him without the protection of friend, boyfriend, or even the inanimate kulambo.

If Malcolm doesn’t see this, he is rather weak at reading people and easily falls into their hands.  Alternatively, he could understand what is truly going on and just doesn’t care enough about your feelings to be clearer to Joe about where you stand in his life. Either way, is this the sort of person you want by your side? Perhaps this stance is a tad harsh, but, in my opinion, when it comes to whom to let into your life and who to keep at a safe distance, compromise is unacceptable.

It is not that Joe should have apologized for how you felt. It would’ve been perfectly okay if he had misunderstood what you were saying or had disagreed. But someone who values you would not stop there. If he feels you were spot-on, he would apologize for hurting you and try not to do it again. If, however, he feels you have read the situation wrongly, he would share/explain why he behaves the way he does towards Malcolm. Should he have no clue what you’re talking about (improbable but possible) ,  he would ask for clarification because your friendship is too important for you to be hurt a minute longer than necessary.

Friends provide an unequivocal safe space for each other. That means you are both free to share what you truly feel. Because even if your friend misunderstands, even if he misconstrues your confusion for an outright attack, you know he would stick around to try and get things right. He would not just leave in a huff, give you no chance to clarify things, and bad-mouth you to all and sundry.

This is what being a friend means: he honors your vulnerability, giving you the courage to self-disclose more and more; he provides an environment that encourages you to become a finer human being, more of who you truly are. He can see your heart, feel your pain, celebrate your joys, and want nothing more than for your friendship to continue.

Joe has done the exact opposite. It’s as if he planned this all along. Because he has been “so hurt” he’s got you exactly where he wants you. If, indeed, he “needs time to process” he could do it on his own or with you. As you yourself said: “if my ‘allegations’ were wrong, why were his reactions severe?” The best person to explain this to would be you.   

Leaving Joe AND Malcolm to their own machinations will probably make you lonely for a time – maybe even for a long while (though I hope not) – until you accept that the sooner you decide they are not worth it, the sooner you may find others who will be.  

With every best wish,
MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.